the busiest unemployed person ever

I have been out of grad school for one month and i swear im the busiest unemployed person i know! So what have I been doing for 1 month? Let me see:

1) Moving to a new house and getting used to living in a new neighborhood
2) not really but saying I'm looking for jobs (I have said "I will start that tomorrow" more than i count)
3) dreaming about traveling to europe for the month of september and then realizing that it might not be the best idea since I technically dont know if i even have the money to do it
4) going to street fairs
5) berry picking and making not so delicious pies out of them
6) antique shopping for my new room (yes you read that right)
7) putting together an ikea dresser, which we all know translates into a full days worth of work!
8) Working one day a week at a restaurant called Fat City (i know....6 hrs of work in one week, I am hardcore)
9) going to movies
10) spending time with the h-crew every wednesday
11) going to a random party where i knew no one, but was directed via a flyer where to go
12) joined a CSA, so trying to figure out how to cook/eat an assortment of vegetables I'm not used to
13) biking to new places
14) going out for brunch

I'm sure the list could go on if i wanted to put weird/small things i've done but alas the point is, I dont have a job and i dont really want one. weird right? I just spent all this time and money so i could get a job, but i dont want one OR maybe the correct way of saying this is i'm scared to get one.

ive spent the past 2 days looking up jobs and as I'm reading the description i feel completely in over my head. can i do this is a question i keep asking and my internal response is "no". So now what? Fake it til i make it? i think so, which does not build up the ole confidence which would be nice to have as I am trying to sell myself to hiring managers.

what happened to my confidence? I used to have it. My mom always told me that when i was younger (under 5 yrs) I would walk around saying that I was confident. So apparently my 5 year old version of me is confident, but the 28 year old isnt.  im not in kansas anymore toto- im in the big leagues and that freakin scares me.  i will responsible for people's lives, illnesses, dreams, goals, and that my friends alarms me.

i feel like school made me realize that i have no fricken idea as to what im doing. humbling and in some respect is making me push away from getting a job. i like going into a job where i know what im doing, but that is not going to be the case. in school my teacher would say that mentality should always be how we operate- by not being the expert, we allow the people we work with to really be a part of the change process.  but wow, how easy and comforting it is to be expert! i never realized how much power/reassurance the expert role gave me and now im trying to embrace/be reassured at not being the expert.....so hard to do.

so my busyness....needs to morph. i need to stop avoiding life, avoiding my fear, and address it. it may take me a long time to get a job, but i still need to try and i need to tap into my 5 year old self and find that confidence again.

the paradox of meaning and meaningless, death does have a sting

a guy from my church died 2 days ago. his name was Brett.  he died trying to save a boy who slipped and fell into a waterfall, both dying together.

tragedy.

his death has affected me more than I would have thought. Brett and I werent very close, but his presence will be missed.  for our housewarming party last year he came and brought us a little house with a scarf around it....(get it..house...warming). Anyways, we loved it as a house and just thought he was hilarious and great, even though we did not know him well. from then on i saw him at church or other functions in the community, always energetic and passionate and giving high fives.

i saw and talked with him at a bonfire a few months ago and his devotion and passion for the Lord was evident and powerful. i remember after talking with him realizing how i was not even close to the kind of love/energy/trust for the Lord that he had and i wanted it. i loved it. but i wasnt there and im still not there.

he was young, had plans, was doing great things and now all of those are over.

i feel like it has left me questioning the point of life and all the things we do. yes existential crisis, but a necessary one. Why do i do the things i do? Why do i have friends? hang out? want to learn to play the guitar? sing? play soccer? maintain a life of busyness all the time? is it for me? for others? for fun? is there purpose?

part of my heart feels empty when i think about purpose and all the things i do because in the long run, they mean nothing, but in the present, they also mean everything.

the constant paradox of meaning and meaninglessness coexist for me all the time and knowing how to hold both of those together is hard.  if i truly grasped the gospel then everything i did would be for the Lord and a reflection of his amazing love for us and the moment i lose grasp of that, everything i do becomes about me, myself, and i and loses meaning.  the most important thing, as i'm told and try to believe and hold on to, is a relationship with the creator, inventor, the one who set in motion everything that is happening.  however i struggle to hold onto that, to let that guide what i do, to let that BE the reason for what i do.

i feel selfish. confused. empty. purposeless.

but death does that right? it makes you look at your life and has you question why you do what you do and if you want to continue doing it.  i feel those things because at the center of all i do is me. not God. I am not eternal. I am not everlasting love. I am not sustainable. I am not grace. I am not judgment. I am nothing, but also great.

I am made in the reflection of the creator/inventor....how crazy is that? yeah i look like my family because we have the same genes, but the essence of who i am and everyone else in the world is also a reflection of something so great/amazing/loving..it is hard to grasp or see or even believe.

in the end, Brett put someone else before him. he sacrificed himself for a boy...a reflection of Christ. a reflection of love. a reflection of the gospel. a reflection of purpose.

im not there yet. but i hope to be one day.

thank you Brett. your heart, passion, crazy energy, and example has opened up a well of emotion and questions that were needed. 

jealousy

my pride is clawing inside of me right now because it does not want me to post this. it does not want me to address or even think about my jealousy because if i put it out there, that means others will see and know where i struggle...that perceptions may change..that i may not be as great as a i want others to see and think. it means maybe, just maybe, letting it go, so i can start to move forward. because lets be honest, jealousy can paralyze. well it paralyzes me.

i read this blog by a woman who openly talked about her jealousy and hate of another girl because she was skinny and perfect. society perfect. as i read her blog i found myself resonating with what she said, but even more so, feeling RELIEF because she said it. she just put it out there and it felt so great to know someone else might struggle with that because sometimes i think im just the biggest bitch because inside my head, i think so many different things. 

yes yes i know, if we could all look inside each others minds we would all be horrible people. but think about it, we all know this, yet still fear saying or admitting our shortcomings, our jealousies (i had no idea jealousy could be spelled with an ies at the end. heck yes for spell check!) , our struggles etc. weird huh?

ok back to my jealousy. WELL, let me tell you, im pretty bad and by pretty bad, i just mean bad. i get upset when people choose hanging out with other people and not telling me about it. i want to be everyone's number one. their go to girl, but as we all know, that is not going to happen. but i still think it and it still hurts when it doesnt happen.

 i get jealous when i see a hipster because deep down i kinda wanna wear those skinny nonwashed jeans with a lacey top layered with who knows what. but i cant. my body type will not allow me because i did sports at such a young age that my legs are athletes legs. yup. annoying. my calves make skinny jeans almost impossible because they wont fricken fit over my legs. and i get comments from men that they are envious of my muscle. ya, not every girls dream. i love getting all dressed up and then have guys tell me they wish they had my legs...that wasn't in to do list of things i wanted to hear:) 

i could go on. and on. and on. but it is pointless to list out every little issue of jealousy i have because it all comes back to one solid thing: insecurity.  yup. i said it. the one thing i hate admitting because i hate being cliche, of being the norm, but alas, its true. i too am insecure. i care about what people think of me, how i look, if i fit the mold, if i dont fit the mold etc etc.  and when i meet people who i think dont worry about these things, or if they have it better than me than I....a) get jealous b) dont like them c) try to win them over d) want to be their friend so i dont feel left out. 

ouch. not the best choices. but many times are the things running through my mind. so now that we've established that im a horrible person, whats next? 

no....idea! 

well i guess thats not true. i hear the societal sentiment running through my head: learn to love yourself! Bam, magical wand has been waved and i am healed! :) Oh how i wish that was true. but regardless, the advice is true and well meaning. but beyond that message is the one that comes from the Creator (God, trinity etc). the one who created me as I am, for a rhyme, a reason, a purpose, and in all of that, loves me the way I am. really understanding and embracing that is not easy and even as i think about it, it kind of annoys me. maybe becaues its true and maybe because if i start really moving into that definition then i have to change and i cant complain anymore. i cant put the blame on anyone else by myself. damn. 

so my journey of finding my voice, includes finding my body (that sounds awkward but isnt meant to), finding my positive attributes, and my security in who i am, and understanding that who i am and how i am was no accident.

one step. 

finding my voice

its been well over a year since I've written in this space. my reasoning: chaos.
who knew that i could change and struggle so much in a year.
but after getting coffee with a friend I realized that i have been silent in writing and silent in life over the past year due to fear, shame, struggle, and change.

so this is my attempt to begin to find my voice again, in a crazy and fun and broken and amazing world. a voice that i have lost and want to regain again. and for me, i think part of that process is using it. is being real about my thoughts, my interactions, my struggles, and my hopes.

this is what i know im not doing:  i will not use this space to be sure, i will not use this space to appear to be something im not, and i will not use this space for yet another selfish see "how awesome i am" through what i write.

this will be the musings of a christian, who is annoyed with faith and currently cant stand being in church, but also loves God and stands behind her faith, a social worker who wants to do justice but struggles to actually have a passion for it, for a woman who wants to be in control but also be pursued, for an individual who desires for independence and community, for a nobody who deeply desires to be known and yes..famous (because lets be honest, ive always wanted it!) and for a human who sees brokenness everywhere, but so often only sees my own.  so yeah, i guess this is me figuring out how to be me. 

a direction i never knew i could go

wow i cant believe its march already. crazy.
i havent really blogged in a while because well
i didnt have much to say.
the past few months have been beautiful and hard
and pretty empty. i havent had any responsibilities
or really anything to do. im currently living in Wheaton
with my sister who had her first baby, my nephew!! I feel
so lucky to have this time to live with her and her husband
and just help out with my nephew. living in the northwest the past few
years i have not been able to be around family very much- so being able to
live with my sister and help out with my amazingly beautiful and wide eyed
nephew is like a dream. granted i know wayyyyyy too much about giving birth and babies
but i guess it comes with the territory:) (btw having babies looks HORRIBLE but also kinda cool and that is all im gonna say on that matter):)

so im living with my sister, watching my nephew, changing diapers and doing a lot of holding of the babes..but beyond that my life is simple. at times....scary at how simple it is. i honesty think the first few weeks i didnt know what to do. i was paralyzed with having a complete and open schedule and really not knowing anyone in the Wheaton area. I started reading books and watching movies and just relaxing. for awhile i felt guilt because i wasnt being productive but then reality hit me....how fricken lucky am i that i get this time? i just spent 7 months learning about myself, my faith, and philosophy.....the fact that i dont have to rush processing or having to be thrown back into work and community is actually a relief. dont get me wrong, i miss my community of friends BUT i think it wouldve been extremely overwhelming and i wouldn't of had the time to really relax and think about the past 200 days. in fact, i feel like ive received a glimmer of what it looks like to live a slower lifestyle. since i only know 1 person in wheaton its not like i have my nights filled up going out to bars or happy hours, or people's houses, or small group, or work, or fill in the blank. i have nothing but time, cooking, reading, spending time with my nephew, my sister, my brother in law, and my good friend louie. i cannot begin to tell you how freeing it has been. granted, it hasnt been an easy adjustment but im really starting to love it. im learning to embrace the times i get to be around friends- i get to see louie maybe once or twice a week, but those times are precious and amazing to me because 1) she is one of my close friends from college that i love and havent lived by in years and 2) i can really BE with her and not busy worrying about a million things or hurrying off to someplace else.

less truly is more. and im honestly nervous about what is next in my life. i know i cant live my life like this forever. at some point i will have to take on responsibility and have things i need to do. but i want to remember this time, i want to instill a slower lifestyle- but i know the moment i get back into a city that old lifestyle will quickly impede on my circle and i could easily get swallowed up in it.

all in all, im so blessed to have this time. and i cannot even begin to describe
how grateful i am for it. i wouldn't change it for anything else.
who would've guessed that i would enjoy slowing down
and enjoy learning how to cook, and being able to
read books of all kinds, and love being
around a baby (i seriously remember
in college when i said i didnt
like children...ummm yeah
that has definitely changed!)
all i know is im changing
and im excited
nervous,scared
but overall
grateful.

Stillness of a rollercoaster

Time has passed. There were Christmas trees, carols, red and green, and flashy lights telling us all of amazing sales. There was time to be with family and friends, a time of iceskating (or falling), a time of setting things on fire in the attempts of cooking, a time of laughing, and of just enjoying the holiday. Then there was a celebration of a new year with new and old friends in a city I used to live and work and learn. And now we have the present and now I have time to breathe. Time to reflect (or not reflect at times) and think (or not think). The craziness of the holidays have passed, people are back into the flow of work, and life and for some, going back to school and having to read and write a plethora of papers.

When I see people around me, I see the tides of life pushing them one way or the other, and at times it feels claustrophobic and chaotic. I'm in the middle watching and at times its dizzying, and other times, its exhilarating.

The past 8 months have been some of the most important moments of my life. Moments that helped to solidify my faith, and open my eyes to the reality outside of myself. Living in England and traveling around Europe was such a blessing and when December came, I finally felt ready to be back, to grab ahold of life and live it. However, as we all know, transition can be tricky at times.

Being back has been so good for me and I am so glad to be with my family and just relaxing. However, i've realized that the uncertainty of my future is somewhat of a rollercoaster ride but the ride continues in a circle of emotions. Some days I'm completely fine with the fact that I'm not really sure what is next and then the next hour I'm worrying about having nothing and having no purpose. But then, I'm reminded that purpose is so much deeper than being busy or working or even being in community. My purpose is one that is so simple that I fail at it all the time. My purpose is to embrace. To embrace those around me or the lack of people around me. To embrace cleaning and cooking or to embrace down time. To embrace the good times and to also embrace the bad times. Some days I feel like I need to wake up and know what is next and its almost like i have to push the restart button every time...reminding myself that I am exactly where I need to be. That actually, what i'm doing right now is maybe more important than anything I ever did before, because in reality, it is all important.

I feel like im learning about the brokenness around me and learning about loneliness and down time and not always being busy and learning that when you allow those things to happen, you start to see the people around you and what makes them tick, what makes them broken and what makes them heal. i cant explain it but the past month i have seen and heard so much from friends and family.....about pain and I honestly wonder if I ever would've noticed because in the past, i was so busy..trying to be busy, trying to find purpose that i couldnt even see what was in front of me.

at labri we talked about how to love God. its a concept that honestly, i didnt and still dont understand how to do. in the past i was asked to write a love letter to God or to tell God how much I love him and seriously..how does a person do that? how do we tell God we love him? Do my words mean anything? Yes words do have some meaning, but when I tell a friend I love them the way they know it to be true is through my actions. BUT my actions arent enough either, i also have to tell them. we all know the story of the girl who is waiting for the guy to say I love you and the guy says he's been showing her every day but in the end, the girl still needs the words. so the words and actions are both needed. so i can say i love God with my mouth but how do i show it? maybe some of you have figured this out and just get it..but i really had a hard time knowing how to love God. to truly love God. my first answer was to love others. however, loving others isnt just it. i think im beginning to understand the greatest commandment to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. loving God requires an inward action, one that requires every aspect of who i am and also and outward one...of loving others.

i dont claim to know how to love others well or even better at this point. but im beginning to realize that I cant love others, if im not willing to see them. if im not willing to slow down and if im not willing to look beyond myself.

as i mentioned before, my coaster ride is a circle. my love for God, really starts with gratitude. I am so thankful that I was able to go and live at labri and be challenged and to be awakened from my sleep of just living life with no purpose and im so thankful I was able to see different parts of the world and experience new cultures and new people. but im also very thankful for this time to be at home with family and for the time to be alone. to struggle through loneliness and questions to once again bring me to a place of solitude and joy.

so, my story has a new chapter, one im excited to see what happens, or doesnt happen, and to see where the author takes me. im excited to explore the plot and engage in new storylines and to just live....to live in the simplicity of life and in its complexities. im beginning to realize that no matter what i do...or what anyone does...paradoxes will always...always be present:)

ALL ABOARD!:)

the animal inside me.....to be or not to be, that is the question

Maybe we are animals. I think im a tiger. A precious cat but can turn deadly in an instant. My inner cat killer instincts come out when people are defensive toward me. My attack mode has been started. Was freud right? Are we animals?

I’ve seen many animals the past 48 hours. Survival of the fittest at its finest and where am I seeing this- at airports.  People are ready to attack the person closest to them, if they are getting in the way of their destination point or if people are not understanding rules being given by staff. I’m actually in awe of how quickly we go from nice to nasty.

I was standing at a baggage claim yesterday waiting for my luggage.  I was on a flight from Dublin and our flight to NYC was delayed 2-3 hours which affected 100 of the 300 passenger flight I had just come on.  Since the flight was large people kept flowing in at different times to the baggage claim. The attendant of the baggage claim was telling the group over the PA the instructions of what to do concerning connections. However, due to not everyone being there at the same time, she had to repeat her self a number of times. The result- she started talking loudly about how annoyed she was that the passengers weren’t listening. If anyone came up to her, she would say “How did you not hear me? I already told you all 10 times. 10 times I’ve told you!” and then didn’t end up telling the person.  I was standing infront of her stand becoming more and more upset by her comments. This is her job, to help people know where to go and what to do and instead of being understanding she became cynical and angry. Or maybe that’s just a typical new Yorker. Or maybe it shows how quickly we get mad at what we see as “trivial” questions. Or maybe it is the fact that everyday she has to face delays, and angry travelers and so her understanding and compassion is limited.

As I got my luggage I had to go to the delta desk to get my itinerary because I had missed my flight and needed to know what was next. Quickly the line became very long and there were only 2 agents working the line. A woman in the line kept saying very loud “I can’t believe there are only 2 workers, why aren’t there more people?” She was getting more and more angry and I was honeslty worried for a moment that people were about to riot or get out of hand. Most of these people have missed their flights due to  our flight being late. It was Delta’s fault. So people had their battlefaces on and were ready for attack anytime they encountered a Delta personnel.

Delta’s fault. Or choose your airline name. The idea of blame and fault are two concepts that we hold onto quickly when we feel we have been “injusticed” by some outside source and soon our animal inside of us starts to flame up.  We lose our rationality and let emotions take over- irrational emotions- take over. And soon, we are assuming that any person with the label Delta is either going to help us or going to bear the brunt of our anger.  We forget that “these Delta” people are just like you and me. We forget that they do not control the weather, and that they do not control malfunctioning equipment. But we’ve quickly given them all the power so when something goes wrong we shove it in their faces and forget their humanity.  We start our animal fight with them the moment we see them, whether its physically or mentally, but it is there.

I am just as guilty of this as anyone. Today I was about to go through security and I was asked to put my bag in the carry on holder to make sure it was going to fit. I had been traveling for the past 24 hours and never once had to do this. But at this airport every single person was required.  Instantly I was annoyed and became rude. My actions were harsher than normal and quite honestly, I was a bitch. After my bag cleared I went through the security line with my guard up. After I got through I realized how irrational I was being. I was asked to put my bag in a measuring holder- did the woman working really deserve my attitude? No. She was doing her job and my attitude quickly forgot that. My “rights” or what I wanted was impinged upon.  As if my terrority had been crossed by some other creature .

Why do we do this ? Why are we so quick to pounce on innocent people? Why do let anger overcome us so quickly but are so slow to love and understanding? Is it because we are animals and that is our instinct? Or have we lost the idea of humanity and lost the understanding that no one is perfect, including businesses and institutions?  Every single thing we consume or use is made by people so why do we assume it will always be perfect? I don’t think its because of an animal instinct. It’s actually the exact opposite, we have allowed our human instinct take over- finding an idol to rule over us.  We are “idol making” people. Our idols define our actions and why we do what we do. So what is the idol of society today?  I think there are a few.  Selfishness/independence, relativism, and wanting to look good and be loved by others. The moment any of these areas are affected we have lost what is defining us and fight like hell to get it back. 

As travelers, we are for ourselves. We don’t give a shit (sorry to use that language but that’s the attitude that is given off so I feel it is appropriate in this manner) about the people around us.  What if the reason for our flight delay was because the pilot had an emergency and couldn’t come?  Or, what if there are delays because there are so many stranded passengers because of weather that flights are full and there are back ups?  However, we are not quick to look for those reasons. All we see is that our independence, the way we live, is being affected and we get angry and upset and we want it fixed.

As I start to really think about this, I’m ashamed and I am humbled to the floor….because that is where I belong. I have let my desires, my ways be the idol in my life that I have not had eyes to see what is all around me. I have not seen people, I have seen objects that are either for me, or against me. The verse in proverbs makes more and more sense to me now..that our heart is an idol making factory. We put so many different idols in our lives instead of following God. ….and where does that get me? If I’m not following God I’m not living into his command to 1) love no other gods 2) to love my neighbor as myself.  My idols are not positive idols, in fact, no idol is positive because they will always fail. They cannot hold me forever like God can.

I am not a tiger, and you are not an animal. We are humans capable of love, capable of hurting others, and capable of change. We just need an adjustment in our hearts…at what we hold in the center.

(i did not get a chance to proofread..sooo sorry if it has some mishaps!)