Stillness of a rollercoaster

Time has passed. There were Christmas trees, carols, red and green, and flashy lights telling us all of amazing sales. There was time to be with family and friends, a time of iceskating (or falling), a time of setting things on fire in the attempts of cooking, a time of laughing, and of just enjoying the holiday. Then there was a celebration of a new year with new and old friends in a city I used to live and work and learn. And now we have the present and now I have time to breathe. Time to reflect (or not reflect at times) and think (or not think). The craziness of the holidays have passed, people are back into the flow of work, and life and for some, going back to school and having to read and write a plethora of papers.

When I see people around me, I see the tides of life pushing them one way or the other, and at times it feels claustrophobic and chaotic. I'm in the middle watching and at times its dizzying, and other times, its exhilarating.

The past 8 months have been some of the most important moments of my life. Moments that helped to solidify my faith, and open my eyes to the reality outside of myself. Living in England and traveling around Europe was such a blessing and when December came, I finally felt ready to be back, to grab ahold of life and live it. However, as we all know, transition can be tricky at times.

Being back has been so good for me and I am so glad to be with my family and just relaxing. However, i've realized that the uncertainty of my future is somewhat of a rollercoaster ride but the ride continues in a circle of emotions. Some days I'm completely fine with the fact that I'm not really sure what is next and then the next hour I'm worrying about having nothing and having no purpose. But then, I'm reminded that purpose is so much deeper than being busy or working or even being in community. My purpose is one that is so simple that I fail at it all the time. My purpose is to embrace. To embrace those around me or the lack of people around me. To embrace cleaning and cooking or to embrace down time. To embrace the good times and to also embrace the bad times. Some days I feel like I need to wake up and know what is next and its almost like i have to push the restart button every time...reminding myself that I am exactly where I need to be. That actually, what i'm doing right now is maybe more important than anything I ever did before, because in reality, it is all important.

I feel like im learning about the brokenness around me and learning about loneliness and down time and not always being busy and learning that when you allow those things to happen, you start to see the people around you and what makes them tick, what makes them broken and what makes them heal. i cant explain it but the past month i have seen and heard so much from friends and family.....about pain and I honestly wonder if I ever would've noticed because in the past, i was so busy..trying to be busy, trying to find purpose that i couldnt even see what was in front of me.

at labri we talked about how to love God. its a concept that honestly, i didnt and still dont understand how to do. in the past i was asked to write a love letter to God or to tell God how much I love him and seriously..how does a person do that? how do we tell God we love him? Do my words mean anything? Yes words do have some meaning, but when I tell a friend I love them the way they know it to be true is through my actions. BUT my actions arent enough either, i also have to tell them. we all know the story of the girl who is waiting for the guy to say I love you and the guy says he's been showing her every day but in the end, the girl still needs the words. so the words and actions are both needed. so i can say i love God with my mouth but how do i show it? maybe some of you have figured this out and just get it..but i really had a hard time knowing how to love God. to truly love God. my first answer was to love others. however, loving others isnt just it. i think im beginning to understand the greatest commandment to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. loving God requires an inward action, one that requires every aspect of who i am and also and outward one...of loving others.

i dont claim to know how to love others well or even better at this point. but im beginning to realize that I cant love others, if im not willing to see them. if im not willing to slow down and if im not willing to look beyond myself.

as i mentioned before, my coaster ride is a circle. my love for God, really starts with gratitude. I am so thankful that I was able to go and live at labri and be challenged and to be awakened from my sleep of just living life with no purpose and im so thankful I was able to see different parts of the world and experience new cultures and new people. but im also very thankful for this time to be at home with family and for the time to be alone. to struggle through loneliness and questions to once again bring me to a place of solitude and joy.

so, my story has a new chapter, one im excited to see what happens, or doesnt happen, and to see where the author takes me. im excited to explore the plot and engage in new storylines and to just live....to live in the simplicity of life and in its complexities. im beginning to realize that no matter what i do...or what anyone does...paradoxes will always...always be present:)

ALL ABOARD!:)