jealousy

my pride is clawing inside of me right now because it does not want me to post this. it does not want me to address or even think about my jealousy because if i put it out there, that means others will see and know where i struggle...that perceptions may change..that i may not be as great as a i want others to see and think. it means maybe, just maybe, letting it go, so i can start to move forward. because lets be honest, jealousy can paralyze. well it paralyzes me.

i read this blog by a woman who openly talked about her jealousy and hate of another girl because she was skinny and perfect. society perfect. as i read her blog i found myself resonating with what she said, but even more so, feeling RELIEF because she said it. she just put it out there and it felt so great to know someone else might struggle with that because sometimes i think im just the biggest bitch because inside my head, i think so many different things. 

yes yes i know, if we could all look inside each others minds we would all be horrible people. but think about it, we all know this, yet still fear saying or admitting our shortcomings, our jealousies (i had no idea jealousy could be spelled with an ies at the end. heck yes for spell check!) , our struggles etc. weird huh?

ok back to my jealousy. WELL, let me tell you, im pretty bad and by pretty bad, i just mean bad. i get upset when people choose hanging out with other people and not telling me about it. i want to be everyone's number one. their go to girl, but as we all know, that is not going to happen. but i still think it and it still hurts when it doesnt happen.

 i get jealous when i see a hipster because deep down i kinda wanna wear those skinny nonwashed jeans with a lacey top layered with who knows what. but i cant. my body type will not allow me because i did sports at such a young age that my legs are athletes legs. yup. annoying. my calves make skinny jeans almost impossible because they wont fricken fit over my legs. and i get comments from men that they are envious of my muscle. ya, not every girls dream. i love getting all dressed up and then have guys tell me they wish they had my legs...that wasn't in to do list of things i wanted to hear:) 

i could go on. and on. and on. but it is pointless to list out every little issue of jealousy i have because it all comes back to one solid thing: insecurity.  yup. i said it. the one thing i hate admitting because i hate being cliche, of being the norm, but alas, its true. i too am insecure. i care about what people think of me, how i look, if i fit the mold, if i dont fit the mold etc etc.  and when i meet people who i think dont worry about these things, or if they have it better than me than I....a) get jealous b) dont like them c) try to win them over d) want to be their friend so i dont feel left out. 

ouch. not the best choices. but many times are the things running through my mind. so now that we've established that im a horrible person, whats next? 

no....idea! 

well i guess thats not true. i hear the societal sentiment running through my head: learn to love yourself! Bam, magical wand has been waved and i am healed! :) Oh how i wish that was true. but regardless, the advice is true and well meaning. but beyond that message is the one that comes from the Creator (God, trinity etc). the one who created me as I am, for a rhyme, a reason, a purpose, and in all of that, loves me the way I am. really understanding and embracing that is not easy and even as i think about it, it kind of annoys me. maybe becaues its true and maybe because if i start really moving into that definition then i have to change and i cant complain anymore. i cant put the blame on anyone else by myself. damn. 

so my journey of finding my voice, includes finding my body (that sounds awkward but isnt meant to), finding my positive attributes, and my security in who i am, and understanding that who i am and how i am was no accident.

one step.