a guy from my church died 2 days ago. his name was Brett. he died trying to save a boy who slipped and fell into a waterfall, both dying together.
tragedy.
his death has affected me more than I would have thought. Brett and I werent very close, but his presence will be missed. for our housewarming party last year he came and brought us a little house with a scarf around it....(get it..house...warming). Anyways, we loved it as a house and just thought he was hilarious and great, even though we did not know him well. from then on i saw him at church or other functions in the community, always energetic and passionate and giving high fives.
i saw and talked with him at a bonfire a few months ago and his devotion and passion for the Lord was evident and powerful. i remember after talking with him realizing how i was not even close to the kind of love/energy/trust for the Lord that he had and i wanted it. i loved it. but i wasnt there and im still not there.
he was young, had plans, was doing great things and now all of those are over.
i feel like it has left me questioning the point of life and all the things we do. yes existential crisis, but a necessary one. Why do i do the things i do? Why do i have friends? hang out? want to learn to play the guitar? sing? play soccer? maintain a life of busyness all the time? is it for me? for others? for fun? is there purpose?
part of my heart feels empty when i think about purpose and all the things i do because in the long run, they mean nothing, but in the present, they also mean everything.
the constant paradox of meaning and meaninglessness coexist for me all the time and knowing how to hold both of those together is hard. if i truly grasped the gospel then everything i did would be for the Lord and a reflection of his amazing love for us and the moment i lose grasp of that, everything i do becomes about me, myself, and i and loses meaning. the most important thing, as i'm told and try to believe and hold on to, is a relationship with the creator, inventor, the one who set in motion everything that is happening. however i struggle to hold onto that, to let that guide what i do, to let that BE the reason for what i do.
i feel selfish. confused. empty. purposeless.
but death does that right? it makes you look at your life and has you question why you do what you do and if you want to continue doing it. i feel those things because at the center of all i do is me. not God. I am not eternal. I am not everlasting love. I am not sustainable. I am not grace. I am not judgment. I am nothing, but also great.
I am made in the reflection of the creator/inventor....how crazy is that? yeah i look like my family because we have the same genes, but the essence of who i am and everyone else in the world is also a reflection of something so great/amazing/loving..it is hard to grasp or see or even believe.
in the end, Brett put someone else before him. he sacrificed himself for a boy...a reflection of Christ. a reflection of love. a reflection of the gospel. a reflection of purpose.
im not there yet. but i hope to be one day.
thank you Brett. your heart, passion, crazy energy, and example has opened up a well of emotion and questions that were needed.
tragedy.
his death has affected me more than I would have thought. Brett and I werent very close, but his presence will be missed. for our housewarming party last year he came and brought us a little house with a scarf around it....(get it..house...warming). Anyways, we loved it as a house and just thought he was hilarious and great, even though we did not know him well. from then on i saw him at church or other functions in the community, always energetic and passionate and giving high fives.
i saw and talked with him at a bonfire a few months ago and his devotion and passion for the Lord was evident and powerful. i remember after talking with him realizing how i was not even close to the kind of love/energy/trust for the Lord that he had and i wanted it. i loved it. but i wasnt there and im still not there.
he was young, had plans, was doing great things and now all of those are over.
i feel like it has left me questioning the point of life and all the things we do. yes existential crisis, but a necessary one. Why do i do the things i do? Why do i have friends? hang out? want to learn to play the guitar? sing? play soccer? maintain a life of busyness all the time? is it for me? for others? for fun? is there purpose?
part of my heart feels empty when i think about purpose and all the things i do because in the long run, they mean nothing, but in the present, they also mean everything.
the constant paradox of meaning and meaninglessness coexist for me all the time and knowing how to hold both of those together is hard. if i truly grasped the gospel then everything i did would be for the Lord and a reflection of his amazing love for us and the moment i lose grasp of that, everything i do becomes about me, myself, and i and loses meaning. the most important thing, as i'm told and try to believe and hold on to, is a relationship with the creator, inventor, the one who set in motion everything that is happening. however i struggle to hold onto that, to let that guide what i do, to let that BE the reason for what i do.
i feel selfish. confused. empty. purposeless.
but death does that right? it makes you look at your life and has you question why you do what you do and if you want to continue doing it. i feel those things because at the center of all i do is me. not God. I am not eternal. I am not everlasting love. I am not sustainable. I am not grace. I am not judgment. I am nothing, but also great.
I am made in the reflection of the creator/inventor....how crazy is that? yeah i look like my family because we have the same genes, but the essence of who i am and everyone else in the world is also a reflection of something so great/amazing/loving..it is hard to grasp or see or even believe.
in the end, Brett put someone else before him. he sacrificed himself for a boy...a reflection of Christ. a reflection of love. a reflection of the gospel. a reflection of purpose.
im not there yet. but i hope to be one day.
thank you Brett. your heart, passion, crazy energy, and example has opened up a well of emotion and questions that were needed.
2 comments:
Ashley,
I, too, have been struck by intense grief over this very sudden and surprising loss. Perhaps my distance from others who knew him is making my sadness greater, however at the end of the day no one can deny that this is, indeed, a tragedy. The thing about Brett was that he was motivated by the most incredible zest for life: he wanted to live it fully, and this desire was totally rooted in His Creator, to whom he daily demonstrated his gratitude for his very breath which allowed him to be so "crazy." His life was inspiring to me because he seemed to fully appreciate all it had to offer. He loved genuinely, he laughed whole-heartedly, and he played with everything he had in him. I think we bless our Father when we live our lives with that kind of zest and gratitude, always remaining mindful of the fact that every opportunity we have ultimately comes from Him.
I wish I were there to reminisce and swap Brett stories with you. Sending you muchos besos de Peru.
Love,
Natalie
I read this post back a month ago when you initially wrote it, but then yesterday I got my weekly email from LoveBomb (each week someone is nominated and everyone leaves messages of support on their blog) and I read the story and it sounded... familiar. It was Courtney's blog and suddenly I realized, this was who you were talking about too. I'm so sorry for the loss that you have all experienced but amazed by the beautiful person that Brett sounds like he was.
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