being a bird

i walked into the chapel, which is a beautiful little old building on the labri property made of brick and looks like hut you would find on the shire from Lord of the Rings, and found 2 birds flying around.  as i walked in i almost shut the door but as i looked more closely i saw that the birds were slamming into the window because they thought it was a way out. i realized that shutting the door would be their only way out and would be borderline cruel and animal rights people would probably find me to be the worst of all people if i shut the door. so i left it open. 

i stood there in the doorway marveling at these birds running themselves into the windows. they would keep running into the same window, never learning from the previous experience. i eventually started to try and help the birds. i made bird noises (well.....i ATTEMPTED to make bird noises but real bird people would be disgusted with my attempts but at least i made them!) and tried to chirp them towards the door. however, my noise attempts did no justice, they continued to ram themselves into the windows. 

i eventually took a seat on the hay bales and just allowed the birds to find freedom on their own. after a few minutes one of the birds found the door and escaped, leaving his fellow bird behind to continue hurting his head against the glass.

as i sat and watched this devoted bird i realized how similar i am to the stranded bird. there are so many things in life that i say i want to escape, that i want freedom from and i pray and pray and pray and i continue to struggle overcoming anything. i try new ways of living, i try reading books, i try a variety of things to change the parts of me that are not good. but i continue to struggle. i continue to hit the window. however, am i choosing to hit the window? am i so caught up in doing life "my way" that i am blinded to the fact that there is a door wide open, waiting for me to walk through. 

 i was sitting there, in awe and eventually in frustration with these birds because there was a way out, the door was open and i was seeing their freedom, their way to get away from the pain they were causing by hitting the window but they didnt see it. they didnt see the opening. the windows seem to be a way out but they werent. the glass is getting in the way. what parts of my life am i thinking are the way out but really am i refusing to open my eyes and ears and see that there is a door awaiting me. Is God making bird noises to me, trying to talk to me, to tell me the way out but since the sound isnt what im used to or what im expecting from him i completely am oblivious to how he is guiding me toward the door, to the way out. is he standing there by the door saying "ashley, my daughter, stop trying to control your life, stop falling down and see the way out, i have a place for you here, but you have to choose to come, you have to walk towards me and i will take you through the door." 

my desire to be in control, my pride, my stubbornness keep me at the window. i will try and try and try but in the end i will just keep getting more and more hurt, feeling more and more pain because i am not moving towards the door. maybe in the beginning the window looks like a great decision and maybe it will crack open for me, and seem like the right decision in life but the window still isn't open all the way and im still trapped where im at.  am i willing to be humbled, am i willing to not be in control, am i willing to see another direction, another path that may be hard but maybe the way to the door, that may be the direction towards true freedom. 

ive been hitting the window. i am the bird. but i hope that i will find the door. i hope to find freedom just like the other bird that escaped.  i hope you do as well. keep your eyes open for the door because it is there and it is open. you just have to be willing to see it, to hear it, to change.