let the train keep hitting

ive been back in the US of A for almost 2 weeks. the first few days I was adjusting to time zone again and then my best friend got married. while i was in greece all i could think about was just being ready to come home. I was tired of traveling. I was tired of being on the move all the time and i was just tired of people not really knowing me and of me not knowing them.

so here i am. im in the place i wanted to be and how i do i feel.....well...to be honest, i'm not sure. I'm glad to be back but part of me just doesnt know "how to be" back. the past 3 months I have been by myself, experiencing and learning a variety of things- about myself, about the Lord, about the world, about the church, and about life in general. yup there were a lot of "abouts" in there and because there are so many "abouts" im having a hard time knowing how to live them out or even let them float around in my brain.

its crazy how quickly a person can go back into their old ways. I didnt realize until i left for a period how engrained i was in the "fast" paced culture we have here. everyone always on their phone, everyone planning for every hour, planning every minute. i honestly hate it. i dont like planning out my life. i dont want to have every hour filled and i dont want to be overwhelmed with activities or even people to see. ya they may all be good things but they arent beneficial things either. it reminds me of the verse when paul says everything is permissible but not beneficial. and i truly have begun to see that more and more. yes being involved in a church, small group, and even volunteering, they may be great things BUT was i truly doing them because i felt like God was telling me to? Or was i trying to fill up my time with other things to do? sometimes i think even our good activities can block God.  I have to open my eyes to the Lords work in the Lord's way..not in my way or the way the church has assumed it needs to be.
Francis Schaeffer wrote an article about exactly that....how often we do things for the Lord when he hasn't asked us to and doesn't want us to. If God isn't in it, we shouldn't be doing it...even if its for him because we are doing it out of our flesh and not out of the spirit..his spirit.. ouch. yup. ive done that.. a lot.

and being home....im finding myself wanting to do that again. I want to quickly make decisions so i know what im doing. i dont want to sit in the uncomfortable unknown..(otherwise known as my life). but then....i do want to be in the unknown. as i wrote about in another blog some of the best moments of my trip were the parts that werent planned..where God showed up and just provided what i needed as i needed it. how beautiful would living life be if we did that? now i know those that feel even a little uncomfortable with this are going to ask "BUT you gotta be responsible and plan...some planning is good" and ya i agree some planning is good..but truly...do we even allow ourselves to not plan some things? i think we typically end up planning it all out anyways. all i know is that letting go of the reigns means truly feeling unsure and maybe uncomfortable and honestly.....probably not always getting what we want but learning about what we actually need.

this is where im at. part of me trying to let go while the other part of is trying to gain all the control. quite a beautiful tug of war isnt it? my hopes....that i lose the war and God wins. i want my life to be the Lord's work in his way. Not in my ways.

as many people have asked me already...how am i doing? how is being back? my answer, awesome, hard, sad sometimes, great other times, and difficult.  i dont know how to re-enter into life because i feel like i have more questions but also more desires for the way life should be. the way it could be...the way God desires it to be. the train keeps hitting me at different times during each day. throwing memories or ideas into my mind that im not really sure how to verbalize or write but all i know is that i dont want them to leave because i want them a part of who i am. i just need to create the space for them to be. and the only way i can do that....is to slow life down. to not be so busy. to be alone. but also to be in community.

i am home. i am present. i am searching but i am also standing on truth. i guess this is where i am.