wherever my feet go

a direction i never knew i could go

2011-03-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

wow i cant believe its march already. crazy.
i havent really blogged in a while because well
i didnt have much to say.
the past few months have been beautiful and hard
and pretty empty. i havent had any responsibilities
or really anything to do. im currently living in Wheaton
with my sister who had her first baby, my nephew!! I feel
so lucky to have this time to live with her and her husband
and just help out with my nephew. living in the northwest the past few
years i have not been able to be around family very much- so being able to
live with my sister and help out with my amazingly beautiful and wide eyed
nephew is like a dream. granted i know wayyyyyy too much about giving birth and babies
but i guess it comes with the territory:) (btw having babies looks HORRIBLE but also kinda cool and that is all im gonna say on that matter):)

so im living with my sister, watching my nephew, changing diapers and doing a lot of holding of the babes..but beyond that my life is simple. at times....scary at how simple it is. i honesty think the first few weeks i didnt know what to do. i was paralyzed with having a complete and open schedule and really not knowing anyone in the Wheaton area. I started reading books and watching movies and just relaxing. for awhile i felt guilt because i wasnt being productive but then reality hit me....how fricken lucky am i that i get this time? i just spent 7 months learning about myself, my faith, and philosophy.....the fact that i dont have to rush processing or having to be thrown back into work and community is actually a relief. dont get me wrong, i miss my community of friends BUT i think it wouldve been extremely overwhelming and i wouldn't of had the time to really relax and think about the past 200 days. in fact, i feel like ive received a glimmer of what it looks like to live a slower lifestyle. since i only know 1 person in wheaton its not like i have my nights filled up going out to bars or happy hours, or people's houses, or small group, or work, or fill in the blank. i have nothing but time, cooking, reading, spending time with my nephew, my sister, my brother in law, and my good friend louie. i cannot begin to tell you how freeing it has been. granted, it hasnt been an easy adjustment but im really starting to love it. im learning to embrace the times i get to be around friends- i get to see louie maybe once or twice a week, but those times are precious and amazing to me because 1) she is one of my close friends from college that i love and havent lived by in years and 2) i can really BE with her and not busy worrying about a million things or hurrying off to someplace else.

less truly is more. and im honestly nervous about what is next in my life. i know i cant live my life like this forever. at some point i will have to take on responsibility and have things i need to do. but i want to remember this time, i want to instill a slower lifestyle- but i know the moment i get back into a city that old lifestyle will quickly impede on my circle and i could easily get swallowed up in it.

all in all, im so blessed to have this time. and i cannot even begin to describe
how grateful i am for it. i wouldn't change it for anything else.
who would've guessed that i would enjoy slowing down
and enjoy learning how to cook, and being able to
read books of all kinds, and love being
around a baby (i seriously remember
in college when i said i didnt
like children...ummm yeah
that has definitely changed!)
all i know is im changing
and im excited
nervous,scared
but overall
grateful.

Stillness of a rollercoaster

2011-01-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

Time has passed. There were Christmas trees, carols, red and green, and flashy lights telling us all of amazing sales. There was time to be with family and friends, a time of iceskating (or falling), a time of setting things on fire in the attempts of cooking, a time of laughing, and of just enjoying the holiday. Then there was a celebration of a new year with new and old friends in a city I used to live and work and learn. And now we have the present and now I have time to breathe. Time to reflect (or not reflect at times) and think (or not think). The craziness of the holidays have passed, people are back into the flow of work, and life and for some, going back to school and having to read and write a plethora of papers.

When I see people around me, I see the tides of life pushing them one way or the other, and at times it feels claustrophobic and chaotic. I'm in the middle watching and at times its dizzying, and other times, its exhilarating.

The past 8 months have been some of the most important moments of my life. Moments that helped to solidify my faith, and open my eyes to the reality outside of myself. Living in England and traveling around Europe was such a blessing and when December came, I finally felt ready to be back, to grab ahold of life and live it. However, as we all know, transition can be tricky at times.

Being back has been so good for me and I am so glad to be with my family and just relaxing. However, i've realized that the uncertainty of my future is somewhat of a rollercoaster ride but the ride continues in a circle of emotions. Some days I'm completely fine with the fact that I'm not really sure what is next and then the next hour I'm worrying about having nothing and having no purpose. But then, I'm reminded that purpose is so much deeper than being busy or working or even being in community. My purpose is one that is so simple that I fail at it all the time. My purpose is to embrace. To embrace those around me or the lack of people around me. To embrace cleaning and cooking or to embrace down time. To embrace the good times and to also embrace the bad times. Some days I feel like I need to wake up and know what is next and its almost like i have to push the restart button every time...reminding myself that I am exactly where I need to be. That actually, what i'm doing right now is maybe more important than anything I ever did before, because in reality, it is all important.

I feel like im learning about the brokenness around me and learning about loneliness and down time and not always being busy and learning that when you allow those things to happen, you start to see the people around you and what makes them tick, what makes them broken and what makes them heal. i cant explain it but the past month i have seen and heard so much from friends and family.....about pain and I honestly wonder if I ever would've noticed because in the past, i was so busy..trying to be busy, trying to find purpose that i couldnt even see what was in front of me.

at labri we talked about how to love God. its a concept that honestly, i didnt and still dont understand how to do. in the past i was asked to write a love letter to God or to tell God how much I love him and seriously..how does a person do that? how do we tell God we love him? Do my words mean anything? Yes words do have some meaning, but when I tell a friend I love them the way they know it to be true is through my actions. BUT my actions arent enough either, i also have to tell them. we all know the story of the girl who is waiting for the guy to say I love you and the guy says he's been showing her every day but in the end, the girl still needs the words. so the words and actions are both needed. so i can say i love God with my mouth but how do i show it? maybe some of you have figured this out and just get it..but i really had a hard time knowing how to love God. to truly love God. my first answer was to love others. however, loving others isnt just it. i think im beginning to understand the greatest commandment to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. loving God requires an inward action, one that requires every aspect of who i am and also and outward one...of loving others.

i dont claim to know how to love others well or even better at this point. but im beginning to realize that I cant love others, if im not willing to see them. if im not willing to slow down and if im not willing to look beyond myself.

as i mentioned before, my coaster ride is a circle. my love for God, really starts with gratitude. I am so thankful that I was able to go and live at labri and be challenged and to be awakened from my sleep of just living life with no purpose and im so thankful I was able to see different parts of the world and experience new cultures and new people. but im also very thankful for this time to be at home with family and for the time to be alone. to struggle through loneliness and questions to once again bring me to a place of solitude and joy.

so, my story has a new chapter, one im excited to see what happens, or doesnt happen, and to see where the author takes me. im excited to explore the plot and engage in new storylines and to just live....to live in the simplicity of life and in its complexities. im beginning to realize that no matter what i do...or what anyone does...paradoxes will always...always be present:)

ALL ABOARD!:)

the animal inside me.....to be or not to be, that is the question

2010-12-14T06:00:00.001-08:00

Maybe we are animals. I think im a tiger. A precious cat but can turn deadly in an instant. My inner cat killer instincts come out when people are defensive toward me. My attack mode has been started. Was freud right? Are we animals?

I’ve seen many animals the past 48 hours. Survival of the fittest at its finest and where am I seeing this- at airports. People are ready to attack the person closest to them, if they are getting in the way of their destination point or if people are not understanding rules being given by staff. I’m actually in awe of how quickly we go from nice to nasty.

I was standing at a baggage claim yesterday waiting for my luggage. I was on a flight from Dublin and our flight to NYC was delayed 2-3 hours which affected 100 of the 300 passenger flight I had just come on. Since the flight was large people kept flowing in at different times to the baggage claim. The attendant of the baggage claim was telling the group over the PA the instructions of what to do concerning connections. However, due to not everyone being there at the same time, she had to repeat her self a number of times. The result- she started talking loudly about how annoyed she was that the passengers weren’t listening. If anyone came up to her, she would say “How did you not hear me? I already told you all 10 times. 10 times I’ve told you!” and then didn’t end up telling the person. I was standing infront of her stand becoming more and more upset by her comments. This is her job, to help people know where to go and what to do and instead of being understanding she became cynical and angry. Or maybe that’s just a typical new Yorker. Or maybe it shows how quickly we get mad at what we see as “trivial” questions. Or maybe it is the fact that everyday she has to face delays, and angry travelers and so her understanding and compassion is limited.

As I got my luggage I had to go to the delta desk to get my itinerary because I had missed my flight and needed to know what was next. Quickly the line became very long and there were only 2 agents working the line. A woman in the line kept saying very loud “I can’t believe there are only 2 workers, why aren’t there more people?” She was getting more and more angry and I was honeslty worried for a moment that people were about to riot or get out of hand. Most of these people have missed their flights due to our flight being late. It was Delta’s fault. So people had their battlefaces on and were ready for attack anytime they encountered a Delta personnel.

Delta’s fault. Or choose your airline name. The idea of blame and fault are two concepts that we hold onto quickly when we feel we have been “injusticed” by some outside source and soon our animal inside of us starts to flame up. We lose our rationality and let emotions take over- irrational emotions- take over. And soon, we are assuming that any person with the label Delta is either going to help us or going to bear the brunt of our anger. We forget that “these Delta” people are just like you and me. We forget that they do not control the weather, and that they do not control malfunctioning equipment. But we’ve quickly given them all the power so when something goes wrong we shove it in their faces and forget their humanity. We start our animal fight with them the moment we see them, whether its physically or mentally, but it is there.

I am just as guilty of this as anyone. Today I was about to go through security and I was asked to put my bag in the carry on holder to make sure it was going to fit. I had been traveling for the past 24 hours and never once had to do this. But at this airport every single person was required. Instantly I was annoyed and became rude. My actions were harsher than normal and quite honestly, I was a bitch. After my bag cleared I went through the security line with my guard up. After I got through I realized how irrational I was being. I was asked to put my bag in a measuring holder- did the woman working really deserve my attitude? No. She was doing her job and my attitude quickly forgot that. My “rights” or what I wanted was impinged upon. As if my terrority had been crossed by some other creature .

Why do we do this ? Why are we so quick to pounce on innocent people? Why do let anger overcome us so quickly but are so slow to love and understanding? Is it because we are animals and that is our instinct? Or have we lost the idea of humanity and lost the understanding that no one is perfect, including businesses and institutions? Every single thing we consume or use is made by people so why do we assume it will always be perfect? I don’t think its because of an animal instinct. It’s actually the exact opposite, we have allowed our human instinct take over- finding an idol to rule over us. We are “idol making” people. Our idols define our actions and why we do what we do. So what is the idol of society today? I think there are a few. Selfishness/independence, relativism, and wanting to look good and be loved by others. The moment any of these areas are affected we have lost what is defining us and fight like hell to get it back.

As travelers, we are for ourselves. We don’t give a shit (sorry to use that language but that’s the attitude that is given off so I feel it is appropriate in this manner) about the people around us. What if the reason for our flight delay was because the pilot had an emergency and couldn’t come? Or, what if there are delays because there are so many stranded passengers because of weather that flights are full and there are back ups? However, we are not quick to look for those reasons. All we see is that our independence, the way we live, is being affected and we get angry and upset and we want it fixed.

As I start to really think about this, I’m ashamed and I am humbled to the floor….because that is where I belong. I have let my desires, my ways be the idol in my life that I have not had eyes to see what is all around me. I have not seen people, I have seen objects that are either for me, or against me. The verse in proverbs makes more and more sense to me now..that our heart is an idol making factory. We put so many different idols in our lives instead of following God. ….and where does that get me? If I’m not following God I’m not living into his command to 1) love no other gods 2) to love my neighbor as myself. My idols are not positive idols, in fact, no idol is positive because they will always fail. They cannot hold me forever like God can.

I am not a tiger, and you are not an animal. We are humans capable of love, capable of hurting others, and capable of change. We just need an adjustment in our hearts…at what we hold in the center.

(i did not get a chance to proofread..sooo sorry if it has some mishaps!)

the dollar menu

2010-12-10T11:56:00.000-08:00

It's a Wonderful Life. Have you seen this movie? My family watches this movie every Christmas Eve, so I've seen it roughly 25 Plus times. However, I watched it last week at Labri and walked away amazed at it and loving it even more. If you haven't seen the movie, this is what you need to know. There is a man who never gets to live his dream of traveling the world and doing something big. He is stuck working at family business in savings and loans. He works long hours, doesn't get paid well, and is stuck in his place in life that he really despises. Something happens at his work and he could go to jail for something he didn't do. He wishes he had never been born and BAM wish comes true and he sees what life would've been like without him. After this experience and when he comes back to reality he is a new man, who has such a love and joy for his life and no longer despises it.

Value. How do we define what is a valuable life? How do we define a good person? A valuable person? So often when we are asked who we are, we are actually asked the question "what do you do". Whatever we do for a living defines our entire being. It puts a value mark on our life. If answered that I was homeless a high percentage of people would see me as less worthy or less valuable. If I was a president of a business I would have respect and more worth, people would instantly believe the words that came out of my mouth as true but if I was homeless my words would probably have less meaning.

In some societies, men are more valuable than women, the elderly are highly esteemed, cows may have more value than people. Value is everywhere.

What happened to ordinary? George Bailey (in the movie) is an ordinary man that a lot us could probably see parts of ourselves in. I love this movie because the message is clear and powerful. Ordinary people have value, bring change into the lives around them and are extremely important. But I want to take it a step farther. What does it mean to exist and how is that connected to value? The more I think about it, the pure fact of existing brings every single person the highest value possible- being in the image of God. If I really believe in God and in His Word then each person has immeasurable value and worth, regardless of their sex, their job, their looks, their money situation, their success in life etc etc. In C.S. Lewis' essay "The Weight of Glory" he talks about how each person has the glory of God in them and if I died as a homeless person and came back to people on earth, people would want to worship me because the glory I possess would be so overpowering. As humans we are created in the image of our creator, how crazy is that? It's crazy. But its also so amazing. Imagine, the creator of the universe making you and me in his image. Why? Why would he do that? Why would he give us that honor? Love...and value. He loves and values us that much that he would create us in His holy image. However its also a hard truth to come to terms with- realizing my life (no matter how simple or extravagant) is just as important as anyone else and how we treat one another is even more important. The idea "love your neighbor as yourself" continues to hit home more and more. Lewis says "your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses" ..To love that person, means to see them as valuable and worthy....no matter who they are.

To love your neighbor as yourself....How do I want to be loved ? Well I feel loved when I am heard when I speak, when Im noticed and not ignored, that I have value in other's eyes, when I am provided for with food and shelter, when i get a chance to relax and rest,..there are so many ways I feel loved by other people and by God. And so does every other person around me. And when I start seeing the list of things that I want or the ways in which I feel loved, I realize again that I am not the only person in the world. that the people around me also want some of the same things and possibly even different things and that no matter who a person is, whether a famous one or a destitute one, they are all deserving of love, they are all valuable and "ordinary", who are also great in the eyes of God.

When I think about it this way I am in shock (actually prolly not THAT surprised if i think about it) of how selfish I am. Of how picky I am with my love and how often i make value judgments without even realizing it. Wow does grace make more and more sense to me and wow do i see how much I dont deserve but am able to because of God's love.

I have a long road, but in some ways, maybe I had my George Bailey moment.....seeing each person as valuable for a brief moment..and now i too can look at life with new eyes, with joy..knowing that me..and you..each have so much value......and even more so....value in the small things!

Consumeristic Thinking

2010-11-15T04:27:00.000-08:00

I've started to realize more and more how much I don't "think". Now if you know me, you know that I analyze basically anything that breathes...or doesn't breathe. However, thinking is completely different. I am a social person (obviously) and enjoy being around other people and having conversations but when it comes to thinking through reality, social justice, the foods I eat, the way I live, the way i work, and so on and so forth I havent really spent time thinking about them..i've just responded and lived.

Being at Labri forces you to think about a variety of issues, ones I never really would have thought about outside on my own. Our lunch discussions revolve around one person asking a question and then during the lunch talking about this question and trying to come to some sort of resolve around it or just leaving with more questions. I love lunch discussions because it forces me to get outside of my own head and thoughts to entertain and seriously contemplate someone else's question, which typically, then gets me thinking about a topic I never really thought about before.

I live in a consumeristic society that pushes me to want more: both physically, mentally, and spiritually. I get an iphone and then a year later there is another one and I think about how I must get the newest version, or I mindlessly get food when I grocery shop not really considering what is in it or where it was processed, or I go around looking for a church that meets my needs, like a buffet. a couple things that come to mind are how focused I can be on myself and my needs and not on the needs and people outside of me. HOwever, in order to do that, I would seriously have to stop consuming everything and think.

Thinking is hard. Thinking requires really working through something and sometimes looking up information or even being alone for awhile. Now that everyone has an iphone or the internet on their phone we can just look it up instantly instead of seriously just stopping and thinking about a question or a situation. I'm not saying technology is the ruin of everything, but the faster and faster we are finding ways to do life..the more and more it feels like we are just responding to everything around us and not really asking why? how? to who's expense? is this just feeding my inner desires or is this a betterment for those around me as well?

There are moments here when i think my brain is fried from thinking but i love it. i love it because i realized how often I had a question and i would just look it up or ask other people what they think and then stop thinking about it. but here..ive had to wrestle with things and really keep asking questions and not allowing one response to be my end all on that topic. Thinking requires work and im beginning to see more and more how often I just didn't think in the past few years. I consumed, I responded but I didnt stop to think about ideas...ideas that open my eyes to reality, open me up to new ways of thinking and living. Ideas are powerful and many times painful. Painful because if we really engage with an idea and think about it..it means getting outside of my bubble and possibly even changing an aspect to the way I live.

This post is somewhat all over, but I wanted to share something about what i've been doing or thinking about in the past few weeks. So I guess the questions im asking myself is

1) Do I think or just respond?
2) how is society preparing or hurting our ability to think, to engage with ideas?
3) How does consumerism play into how we process through ideas?
4) Has the church become lazy in how we seek truth? Is the church thinking and asking?

Side note

I'm reading No Man is an Island by Thomas Merton....and wow...it is powerful and thought provoking!

until next time

being a bird

2010-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

i walked into the chapel, which is a beautiful little old building on the labri property made of brick and looks like hut you would find on the shire from Lord of the Rings, and found 2 birds flying around. as i walked in i almost shut the door but as i looked more closely i saw that the birds were slamming into the window because they thought it was a way out. i realized that shutting the door would be their only way out and would be borderline cruel and animal rights people would probably find me to be the worst of all people if i shut the door. so i left it open.

i stood there in the doorway marveling at these birds running themselves into the windows. they would keep running into the same window, never learning from the previous experience. i eventually started to try and help the birds. i made bird noises (well.....i ATTEMPTED to make bird noises but real bird people would be disgusted with my attempts but at least i made them!) and tried to chirp them towards the door. however, my noise attempts did no justice, they continued to ram themselves into the windows.

i eventually took a seat on the hay bales and just allowed the birds to find freedom on their own. after a few minutes one of the birds found the door and escaped, leaving his fellow bird behind to continue hurting his head against the glass.

as i sat and watched this devoted bird i realized how similar i am to the stranded bird. there are so many things in life that i say i want to escape, that i want freedom from and i pray and pray and pray and i continue to struggle overcoming anything. i try new ways of living, i try reading books, i try a variety of things to change the parts of me that are not good. but i continue to struggle. i continue to hit the window. however, am i choosing to hit the window? am i so caught up in doing life "my way" that i am blinded to the fact that there is a door wide open, waiting for me to walk through.

i was sitting there, in awe and eventually in frustration with these birds because there was a way out, the door was open and i was seeing their freedom, their way to get away from the pain they were causing by hitting the window but they didnt see it. they didnt see the opening. the windows seem to be a way out but they werent. the glass is getting in the way. what parts of my life am i thinking are the way out but really am i refusing to open my eyes and ears and see that there is a door awaiting me. Is God making bird noises to me, trying to talk to me, to tell me the way out but since the sound isnt what im used to or what im expecting from him i completely am oblivious to how he is guiding me toward the door, to the way out. is he standing there by the door saying "ashley, my daughter, stop trying to control your life, stop falling down and see the way out, i have a place for you here, but you have to choose to come, you have to walk towards me and i will take you through the door."

my desire to be in control, my pride, my stubbornness keep me at the window. i will try and try and try but in the end i will just keep getting more and more hurt, feeling more and more pain because i am not moving towards the door. maybe in the beginning the window looks like a great decision and maybe it will crack open for me, and seem like the right decision in life but the window still isn't open all the way and im still trapped where im at. am i willing to be humbled, am i willing to not be in control, am i willing to see another direction, another path that may be hard but maybe the way to the door, that may be the direction towards true freedom.

ive been hitting the window. i am the bird. but i hope that i will find the door. i hope to find freedom just like the other bird that escaped. i hope you do as well. keep your eyes open for the door because it is there and it is open. you just have to be willing to see it, to hear it, to change.

as the leaves change

2010-10-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

it is fall. the english countryside is effected much less than in michigan. Living in the country has opened my eyes to a new way of life that for so long I have automatically downplayed and assumed i would never like and that it would be a drab place to be. and as much as i love being right i must come face to face with my pride on this one and openly admit my love for the english countryside. i could live here. I really could live here. But let me be specific, it must be in the english countryside, nothing else. the hills, the fields, the sun, the trees, everything is like a painting however the canvas changes. with the morning comes light that is new to the trees and with the evening the moon silhouettes the manor house in a way that words could never describe. a picture honestly couldn't capture it either. it is a view that leaves one wondering outloud, how can it be this beautiful? and how can it feel so new every day?

my return to england has been a bittersweet experience thus far. being back at Labri is not at all what i expected it to be for a second time around. everything is different. again when we read different it does not mean bad, it just means different. the community is completely different, i am meeting with a different tutor, I'm studying on a much different level than before, and it is a completely new season- fall. some of the faces are the same and the building is the same. but the insides are what has changed. its like a cup of coffee. we all drink it from a mug, but every time we drink the inside, the coffee, can be different everytime. we still enjoy the taste and flavor (unless you are drinking coffee at a really crappy place then..it will suck) BUT generally we will still enjoy it even though it may be a different brand and different kind. Labri feels the same. it is the same in some ways but also very different but i love it and it is still an amazing place for me all the same.

when i first arrived through the doors that say "welcome to labri" it was if my entire being was able to relax and truly be where it was at. i felt home for the first time in a while. but as i got back into the routine i realized i needed a time of mourning. i needed to mourn the fact that i am living with all new people, a totally new community and that i truly missed my old community from the summer. I had to really see how different these communities were and embrace the fact that there is no way they could be similar. i had to let go so i could fully embrace. it is similar to when the seasons change. summer is an exciting time, a time to play and be free and be in the sun. a time of being really busy and having crazy schedules but when fall comes people have to really get back into not being so busy, putting on warmer clothes, and being inside more than they were before. i've had friends talk about the transition from summer to fall and that they really have to make a concerted effort to get back into a "routine" and at times they really miss their life from the summer and have to mourn the fact that it cant always be like that. Whatever I experience in life I will never be able to have the exact same experience again. It doesnt negate future experiences it just means they will always be different.

i am living in the season of fall. as the leaves change so has my perspective and my life in this town I have been living in the past 4 months. i miss the old but i also love the new. all the colors, all the stories, all the faces, and all the new pains that come with it. a season of letting go which will eventually turn into a season of growth.

I really should've paid attention

2010-09-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Mr. Wright would probably be disappointed in me. I sat in his World History class for 1 year in high school. He loved me. I was a great student. I got straight A's and sometimes got A+ in classes. My teachers loved me and I loved them. However, most of them would probably be disappointed because the only thing I learned in k-12 schooling was how to perform well, how to achieve a great grade, but learn nothing in the process. I would study for hours for a test only to have the knowledge quickly wash away like a written message in the sand only to be taken away by the waves.

I'm currently in Berlin. Now can I be honest for a second? Didn't really know what to think about coming to Germany. I've heard a lot of my friends talk about it and how much they love it. But me, I really didn't have many emotions towards the place. I honestly just never really thought about it or had a real desire to visit it...which tends to be the case with most countries in the world. So as I step out of what seems to be one of the biggest train terminals ive been too I realized that I had no idea what to see in this place. I did zero research and the only real thoughts I had were "well, the germans killed jews soo im sure there is something to do with that here". Yup Mr. Wright, I'm sorry.

I walked in to my 11 euro a night hostel realizing that it was this swanky hotel that i somehow magically got into. talk about a bonus. if i couldnt find anything to do in berlin i could hang out here. i quickly found a brochure for a free walking tour and moseyed on over to Starbucks (Yup they are literally EVERYWHERE) and met up with my soon to be tour guide who would walk a group of us through the streets of berlin telling us stories of Germany from past to present..for 4 hours.

4 hours, i remember classes in college that lasted that long and i'm surprised I have any hair left on my head because when im bored or dont know what to do with my hands i start playing with my hair..aka shedding. however, this 4 hour tour was the exact opposite. i loved hearing about the berlin wall, not realizing that it separated Germany into East and West, not realizing that they were different countries, not realizing that berlin itself was split, not realizing that the only reason the wall came down was because some guy was too lazy to attend the commie meetings and too lazy read.....so maybe laziness could be a "good thing" afterall.

Needless to say I learned so much about Germany but it wasnt dull, it was like learning how to ride a bike. Not the times when you are first learning and falling over or staring at your parents because you cant believe they are just standing there watching you possibly fall to your death. no no im talking about the time when you are actually riding. the wind in your face and hair and you are smiling so big that your face hurts afterwards. i loved all of it. Since I never really thought about Germany I realized a lot of things during this tour. How would a country responsible for a holocaust and some of the worst tyrants in history be? How would they handle that past? Would they hide it? Would they ignore it? Or would they remember. And Berlin my friends, they remember.

There is this memorial in the middle of the city, it is a bunch of slabs of concrete, all are the same width and length but the height is all different. They are to symbolize all the 6 million deaths of the Jews at the hands of the Nazis. In Prague there is a grave site, only one grave site that they Jews were allowed to bury their dead. It's about the size of a city block, sounds big? Not for 90,000+ people. The grave sites were literally toppling over onto eachother. Some say this is gravesite in Prague is the picture the slabs of concrete are showing. Others say it is a graph of all the deaths from the beginning to the end of the Holocaust. And im sure others say something else. But what I like is the fact that it is purposely located by one of the biggest tourist attractions and by an area that a lot of representatives and locals have to walk by. This is a site to remember. It is impossible not to notice and will be impossible to forget. So as people in government and locals and even tourists walk by, people will see the past decisions that were made and work towards a future that will not repeat such hate, and evil.

It reminds me of the Israelites. I never really thought much about all the altars the people built. One of my friends recently told me about an altar she made. She talked about how an altar really isnt for the Lord but it is more about the people remembering the Lord and that she too had an altar that she wrote things down on. She wrote the ways God answered prayer, the ways he provided, and was present. She had a way to remember. A place to look to bring back the memories and possibly the hard moments in life so she could remember that God has and will provide and has been with her in every hard and good moment.

I like that idea. Having a tangible item, thing, whatever, to look at so that when my eyes see it, I too cant help but remember the ways God has provided and still is providing.

Berlin is a beautiful city, one that has been through a rough and terrible past, but has decided to put reminders all throughout it about the ways they have overcome the past but also have reminders to not go back in that direction.

I have loved my Germany lesson and i honestly wish i could go back to Mr. Wrights class, sit back down in my chair and really learn what he taught, not caring about the grade, because in the end, its what we remember that stays with us, that molds us, that changes us.

The Jewish Cemetery in Prague

The Holocaust memorial in Berlin

the best disaster aka getting stranded in north dakota

2010-09-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

story. i never really thought about what makes a story...."a story" until i left Seattle with my best friend to drive my car and whats left of what i own to Michigan- drivin 2100 miles, across 9 states, in rain, sleet, hail, and snow and sitting in a car for over 35 hours. i left the place ive been living the past 4 years, the place that ive come to associate as home. saying goodbye to wonderful friends and a beautiful city that i've come to love over a period of time. as i drove away i felt denial and uncertainty because I had no idea what my future held and was trying to hold on to hope that maybe in a year I would be back.

during our trip we read the book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller. He talks about how the elements of a great story can help us understand the elements of a great life. I'm not going to explain the book because well, you can read and thats Don's job, not mine. But what i want to say is that in reading this book during a long and what should have been disastrous trip I was given new eyes that were able to take in everything differently.

the past 4 months ive been living in the promise that God provides. many of you have probably read or heard me talk about how I am relying on the Lord, trusting that he will provide. but on this trip i really encountered what it meant to trust God and have an attitude that reflects it. on Friday afternoon in Medora North Dakota my car, Lucy Lu, broke down. It was a crazy moment when i woke up from my nap smelling a weird smell and having a feeling that something was about to happen that would deeply get in the way of me and lena getting home. there were lights that flashed up on my dashboard that i've never seen lit up before. before i knew it, im checking the manual and reading that if these certain lights come on, get off the road immediately. well, we are in north dakota...and if you've ever been there you know there isn't much around. we saw a sign for a town and got off the exit keeping our fingers crossed that we would make it to the town. mind you, we just rode through hail and snow and rain and about 2 hours before had just purchased new windshield wipers because one of them decided to fly off during the amazing hail we were having. So we roll into a convenience store in Medora praying and hoping that whatever was wrong with my car would be a quick fix like my windshield wipers.

it was not a quick fix. my car got towed 40 plus miles because the nearest car repair shop was that many miles away. It was still raining/snowing as we rode with Paul, the man towing my car. Paul was a gentle spirit and kind and before you know we are all talking about my trip to Europe, Labri, and God. It was a light hearted conversation on faith and then we started talking about his daughter and wife the dynamics of their relationship. The car ride was actually quite enjoyable. I didnt want to think about the fact that our relationship was based on the fact that my car was not working. But i was grateful for this man and his joy and spirit. He drops us off at the car repair shop and ends up not charging us the full rate because we were such kind girls. answer # 1 to prayer.

as my car is getting looked at lena and i sit in the waiting room discussing how the car will probably be fine and that we have lost a few hours but will get on the road soon. i would start to think about "what if my car won't work" but we were both sure it would be and in my mind i was trusting God would make it an easy fix. there is no way he would leave me stranded in this small town.

well, when the car repairman came in and sat down, i knew we were about to hear some bad news. I wish i could say i handled the next moments with grace and style but instead i handled them with fear and anxiety. I was told that my car was in a bad shape and that i needed a new motor....which wasn't going to happen because lucy was not worth that much money. the man apologized and advised we figure out an alternate plan. An alternate plan? I had no alternate plan! what does a plan B even look like in this situation? Everything I own is in my car and I am flying out of Chicago on Wednesday to leave for Labri. So here i am, told that my car is not drivable and the car repair place was closing, and on top of that it was snowing...A LOT. We were stranded in this small town. The dealership attached to the service center was open until 7pm and they told us we could use their computer and phone if it would help us with making our next steps. 1.5 hours. we had 1.5 hours to figure out how we were going to get home, how i was going to transport all the stuff in my car, and we had to figure out where we would be staying.

i got online and felt overwhelmed. i kept asking God "am i not supposed to go to Labri? I thought you wanted me there. Why is this happening to me? I wanted to trust you and follow you but I have no idea what im going to do". I felt out of control internally. Outwardly i just kept saying i didnt know what to do. the salesmen at the dealership came over and heard our story and started asking us questions about our trip and started brainstorming with us what our options were.

i started to look at flights and rental cars and everything i looked at involved many dollar signs and a deep sense of anxiety came over me "how was i going to pay for all of this? I 've already paid so much for my car in the past 2 hours and now its not even going to work!". I had to take a lot of deep breaths for this one. I kept asking God what the heck was going on. i was frustrated because i thought trusting him meant he'd provide and how was he providing by having my car breakdown and leaving me and lena stranded in snowy north dakota. we sat there for 45 minutes brainstorming and eventually found light in this darkness. we found a rental car in bismarck that would let us take the car one way to Chicago. i booked it. answer # 2 (later on i found out that I booked the last available car that they had for the next week!) The catch- we were in dickinson and the rental car was in bismarck- a 100 mile gap! at this point i would pay anyone to drive us to bismarck. I said this outloud to the salesman and then this is when my story of trust really begins. The salesman said we could use one of their drivers and one of their cars and the only thing we would have to pay for is gas and paying the driver. they wouldn't charge us for the car or mileage. answer # 3

so now we have a way to get home but we still had the night to think about. the salesmen called hotels for us and there was only 1 room and it was a 100 dollars. my fear came up again....100 dollars....i do not have the money for any of this. the idea of spending all this money kept paralyzing me. money worries became my focus. i kept adding up all the expenses in my head and made me dizzy thinking about it. then, out of no where, i half jokingly said "well can we just sleep here, in the dealership?" after traveling around europe and sleeping in random places i honestly could care less where i sleep....couch, floor, bed, rock, whatever...its sleep and i just couldnt afford to pay for it. the next thing that happened i will honestly never forget. the general manager said we could sleep in the camper that was in the dealership. i wish i could explain the wave of relief and joy and laughter that came over me. i couldnt believe all the things these salesmen were doing for us. they were letting 2 girls they just met sleep inside their dealership, and use their car and driver to take them 100 miles to bismarck.

i jumped at the offer and said we would love to stay there (answer #5) and thanked them endlessly for the hospitality towards us. one of the workers went home and got us blankets and pillows and the general manager told us he would leave his office open and we were welcome to drink any of the soda's in his fridge.

so lena and i got locked inside a car dealership and slept in a camper. even as i type this i cannot believe how much God provided. my car is gone...it is in a salvage yard but as i think about it, it was never my car to begin with. God provided my car, God has provided everything in my life. When i said i wanted to trust God, i think i assumed that trusting him meant i wouldnt have any issues, especially financially and i assumed everything would just work out. but thats not what God says. he will provide but he never says how or when or why or in what manner. I lost my car on this trip, but i gained much more. i saw a group of people take in and care for 2 strangers with such love and care. i saw God provide in every little way.

before lucy broke down Lena and i talked about what we wanted our stories to be, how we wanted our lives to be different. we talked about how we wanted to trust the Lord and wanted to go out and live our lives with purpose, passion, and risk. we didnt want fear to stop us from living. we talked about specific things but we both agreed that its easy to get stuck in a rut and how easily we forget that there is a much bigger story going on around us. my story is one in a much larger story. im a tree in a forest. some trees live longer, some shorter, some have richer color, others are more dull, but regardless each tree is important and each tree makes up the forest. you need all the individual trees to make up the forest. during all of this i kept thinking about me and my car and my needs and what i did and didnt have. but really, there were so many other people involved in this story too. many stories collided during all of this. it wasnt just mine involved. the stories of salesmen were intertwined with mine. i learned to receive, i learned that trusting God means truly trusting him, no matter what the situation may look like, no matter how grim, to trust him. and the people that surrounded us, they were able to give. they were able to truly take care of their neighbor. i dont think words can describe how beautiful this picture is to me. By the end of the night I had peace because God was literally taking care of his 2 daughters. He protected us and kept us safe and every need we had was taken care of. my life, my story, had been changed and i am thankful. thankful for a "disaster".

i lost a car but i gained a glimpse of a story that is much bigger than me but includes and needs me to be a part of it. the bigger story requires all of us...will we be an active participant, one that is honest and real about our needs and forthcoming with our love and hospitality or will we sit back and be cynical about what happens to us and not take a moment to look around and see all the other stories that are dependent upon us. every tree is needed to make the forest seen. every person is needed to make God's story fully known. we all play a part.

maybe i make sense and honestly maybe i dont. but the message i want you to hear is this:
- if you are going to get stranded anywhere, do it in north dakota
- if you need a car buy it from dan porter motors in dickinson

and that

-i am so thankful for my story, for my beautiful disaster....i wouldnt change it

where my feet are going

2010-08-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

well its been awhile and let me tell you, its been an amazing journey thus far. being back in Seattle has been a huge blessing. having friends welcome me into their homes and just be there has been such a blessing. I have loved being able to share with people what I have learned and how God was such a huge God while traveling and providing in crazy ways.

so the question i've been getting is "what are you going to do next" which is a very valid question, and one i have been asking myself a lot. and folks, i finally have an answer...a scary, exciting, crazy answer that i honestly have a hard time realizing is happening.

sept 16th i am driving my car, Lucy Lu, back home to Michigan and then flying on the 22nd to Europe. I am going back to Labri for the fall, until December. Labri was by the far the best part of my trip to Europe. I learned so much about myself and about the Lord and i feel like there is still some unsettled areas that I want to spend with the Lord and grow in. So, I am going back. Going back has been a hard decision because ive realized my love for Seattle and the northwest and how much i appreciate and love my community. I also feel like i have heart for this place. so the idea of leaving feels weird but i'm confident that God will lead and guide me back here if that is where im supposed to be. I'm applying to grad school for next fall, which can i say, I am so excited for. im going for an MSW with a focus in community practice (community organizing and development type work). Im applying to a few schools so we will see where i end up!

as i reflect on my life and why im making this decision i feel peace. do you ever just know sometimes that you need extra time, extra space, so that in the future you can truly be present, truly be alive and free? well thats me. i feel like the next 3 months will bring the freedom in Christ that i think we all have but need to acknowledge and let be a part of us. I am excited to learn more about the Lord, learn about community, and learn about myself.

leaving again so soon is difficult but this is a my leap of faith. truly believing in the God who parted the Red Sea, who came down as a human and loved and lived perfectly, in a God who healed the sick and raised people from the dead. This God, my God, our God, is a personal God...and one i believe will truly provide for me emotionally, spiritually, and financially. i want to allow God to be God, and allow myself to let go of control and follow and rely on him.

when i return in December i will be staying in Michigan and Chicago area until the spring until i hear from Grad Schools. I would love to have people join me in prayer! areas that im looking for prayer are in grad school and getting accepted (because cant go to grad school if you dont get in:) ), prayer about which grad school to go (at this point i would love to go to UW but its very competitive! so pray for my application!), prayer for finances because i dont really have any, and prayer for the Lord to continue to bring wisdom and freedom into my life.

so my feet, yet again, are moving but im so excited for the day and time when i get to be in one place and dedicate myself to my community and church in the ways that God sees! i see the next year as a time of preparation..a time that i am so thankful for..because i know how rare it is to get nowadays.

thank you everyone that has prayed for me the past few months. you have no idea how much your prayers were answered!

i will keep blogging as i begin this new journey we call life.

let the train keep hitting

2010-08-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

ive been back in the US of A for almost 2 weeks. the first few days I was adjusting to time zone again and then my best friend got married. while i was in greece all i could think about was just being ready to come home. I was tired of traveling. I was tired of being on the move all the time and i was just tired of people not really knowing me and of me not knowing them.

so here i am. im in the place i wanted to be and how i do i feel.....well...to be honest, i'm not sure. I'm glad to be back but part of me just doesnt know "how to be" back. the past 3 months I have been by myself, experiencing and learning a variety of things- about myself, about the Lord, about the world, about the church, and about life in general. yup there were a lot of "abouts" in there and because there are so many "abouts" im having a hard time knowing how to live them out or even let them float around in my brain.

its crazy how quickly a person can go back into their old ways. I didnt realize until i left for a period how engrained i was in the "fast" paced culture we have here. everyone always on their phone, everyone planning for every hour, planning every minute. i honestly hate it. i dont like planning out my life. i dont want to have every hour filled and i dont want to be overwhelmed with activities or even people to see. ya they may all be good things but they arent beneficial things either. it reminds me of the verse when paul says everything is permissible but not beneficial. and i truly have begun to see that more and more. yes being involved in a church, small group, and even volunteering, they may be great things BUT was i truly doing them because i felt like God was telling me to? Or was i trying to fill up my time with other things to do? sometimes i think even our good activities can block God. I have to open my eyes to the Lords work in the Lord's way..not in my way or the way the church has assumed it needs to be.
Francis Schaeffer wrote an article about exactly that....how often we do things for the Lord when he hasn't asked us to and doesn't want us to. If God isn't in it, we shouldn't be doing it...even if its for him because we are doing it out of our flesh and not out of the spirit..his spirit.. ouch. yup. ive done that.. a lot.

and being home....im finding myself wanting to do that again. I want to quickly make decisions so i know what im doing. i dont want to sit in the uncomfortable unknown..(otherwise known as my life). but then....i do want to be in the unknown. as i wrote about in another blog some of the best moments of my trip were the parts that werent planned..where God showed up and just provided what i needed as i needed it. how beautiful would living life be if we did that? now i know those that feel even a little uncomfortable with this are going to ask "BUT you gotta be responsible and plan...some planning is good" and ya i agree some planning is good..but truly...do we even allow ourselves to not plan some things? i think we typically end up planning it all out anyways. all i know is that letting go of the reigns means truly feeling unsure and maybe uncomfortable and honestly.....probably not always getting what we want but learning about what we actually need.

this is where im at. part of me trying to let go while the other part of is trying to gain all the control. quite a beautiful tug of war isnt it? my hopes....that i lose the war and God wins. i want my life to be the Lord's work in his way. Not in my ways.

as many people have asked me already...how am i doing? how is being back? my answer, awesome, hard, sad sometimes, great other times, and difficult. i dont know how to re-enter into life because i feel like i have more questions but also more desires for the way life should be. the way it could be...the way God desires it to be. the train keeps hitting me at different times during each day. throwing memories or ideas into my mind that im not really sure how to verbalize or write but all i know is that i dont want them to leave because i want them a part of who i am. i just need to create the space for them to be. and the only way i can do that....is to slow life down. to not be so busy. to be alone. but also to be in community.

i am home. i am present. i am searching but i am also standing on truth. i guess this is where i am.

Mr. Clean the Lifesaver

2010-07-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

Florence wasnt what I thought it would be. I arrived after the cinque terre, one of the most beautiful places ive been too. A place that you picture Italy being, small houses, on the cliffs next to the ocean, perched up high waiting for the birds to fly by. I loved the Cinque Terre. My arrival in Florence was nothing spectacular. Took a train after a sleeping on the rocks the night before, not getting much sleep. On my train ride there were fisherman that were on the harbor fishing next to the rock i was sleeping on. I couldnt believe these older men, they stayed up all night fishing and then went home. Crazy.

I had to transfer 2 times and finally i get to Florence. The plus about Florence- air conditioning. Italy is hot. So I finally made the executive decision to only stay in hostels with AC because I didnt want to get up at 2am (like i did in Rome) and shower in cold water as a way to fall asleep. So my hostel had AC...thats a plus.

As i trekked around Florence I was once again around a city with tons of people who were tourists. THey were looking at Duomo and the many churches and museums Florence has to offer. But as for me, I just couldnt get into Florence. Maybe I was tired of traveling and seeing churches or maybe I was missing friends or maybe its many factors. Regardless I felt restless in Florence. I walked around a lot and just thought about life and the people surrounding me.

I couldnt help but think about how so many people are visiting these churches, these places that are meant to show God and bring people to the truth of who God is through pictures or through sculptures or through words but instead of pointing to God...people were going to see the history but not see the Maker of it all. Instead of seeing how Great God is people were praising the artist, forgetting the Creator who gave the creation their gifts and abilities. I dont know if ive written about this before but so many times throughout my trip as ive visited churches I have left sad at how blind people are to the Truth staring them right in their faces. I keep thinking about Jesus and how he cleared the temple when people were selling items in it and not allowing it to be the Holy place that is. I felt the same way during my time in the Duomo and the many other places ive been too. This is not being treated as God's house, but a den of photos, a den of experiences people are craving to experience to fill them for a time being. The last thing it is doing is giving praise to God.

I felt empty for a time in Florence. There was one place that brought life to me and it was michangelo's piazza. It is one of the most beautiful views of florence. I went up there around 6pm so i could see this piazza and the sunset and i stayed there for 3 hours. Just watching the people, looking at the city and just journaling about life in the midst of one of the most beautiful sunsets ive seen. I was sitting on these steps that about 100 other people were sitting on with me, just taking in this breathtaking view. I felt so much love and appreciate for God in this moment. I also wished for certain friends to be there with me, drinking wine and just talking about life. I loved these steps. I loved this view. I also then loved Florence. Being away from all the craziness in the city and seeing it from afar brought a lot of appreciation for the city itself. I left these steps feeling so alive and feeling good about my hazy future. I also left these steps in so much gratitude of my life back in the states and of my community that is all over.

I left these steps ready to leave Florence, basically ready to leave Italy and move on. I was going to go to Venice but a beautiful distraction interrupted that thought. A friend from Labri- stef- was in Italy studying and she had a free week so we started talking about traveling together. So, I decided last minute that I would meet her in Milan and go to Switzerland with her. The funny thing about all of this is that we were communicating via email, we never got to confirm our meeting at the train station so I booked a train that arrived 10 minutes earlier than hers and just went. I get to Milan, I find her and she freaks out because she had no idea I was coming because she didnt have internet to actually check to see that i had responded saying I was coming. There are so many other crazy things about Milan that happened but all you need to know is that God set up this meet, set up this entire excursion to Switzerland.

I have a couple words about Switzerland- CLEAN and BEAUTIFUL! The train ride itself was like a beautiful tour through the country and i was thankful for just the ride. We rode through the alps, through rolling green hills and through towns that were beautiful and quaint and peaceful just from the look of them. As we were riding on the train I felt so much peace. This is exactly what I needed, a change of pace, a different place, and being with friends.

We spent 4 days in switzerland and none of them were planned. We figured out where we were staying when we got to the city and just played out life as it went . There is something so freeing about not having plans. I am such a planned person that it was nice to just live life and watch all the scenes unfold. Some scenes were funny and some were stressful but in the end the whole trip to switzerland was a huge blessing. We went to the lake and laid out, had picnics from the cheese we took from our amazing breakfast at our hostel, met people at a bar and made dinner with them the next night, ate chocolate, played the guitar at 4am with some gypsish people and just walked the streets of Zurich and Lucerne marveling at how beautiful they were.
So my unplanned and random trip opened to my eyes to how much planning can get in the way allowing life to happen and to just be. just letting life play itself out......something I want to continue to bring with me wherever I go.

so switzerland was my lifesaver. and was my reminder on just how big God is. i've never felt so taken care of and realized on this trip just how much God has shown up daily for me while traveling. I may be planned or unplanned but God is always present and that is my peace and my comfort.

Table for one please

2010-07-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

I like italy. The people and their movements. I like the way the elderly couple yells at each other by the bus stop, the gazes lovers give to one another, all the history surrounding Rome and its competing modern age. There is life here. The italian life. Life that isnt because of tourists roaming the streets at all hours of the nights but it is in the way they seem to embrace life, embrace family and community, and the way they embrace food, wine and gelato!

I did not feel this way in Prague. Prague felt empty. No life, no community, only tourists scouring to see a city and its history and sucking out the little life that it has left. There were no glimpses of the heart of the city, of what makes it tick, makes it come alive, makes it laugh or even makes it angry. There was no spirit and no pride. Nothing to grab ahold of or to be inspired by. Buildings can only give life by the community that surrounds it, inspires it, and loves it. If it is not embraced then it is dead, and this was prague to me.

Spain and italy still have a beating heart, a life in it that is contagious to all that enter into it. As you walk the streets you see the beauty of the people and the city they love and take care of.

I really havent done too much in the later portions of the night. I typically go out to dinner and wander around and ive realized that those simple tasks have given me fulfillment and life. At times I worry that Im not doing enough and then I have to remind myself melting into the background of a restaurant or a piazza and letting the culture overcome and pass through me is more than enough. Embracing the small and little things can be more than enough, in fact, i think its exactly what i need more.

Tonight I ate dinner at Da Lucia Dal and the ambience is delightful! A true Romana italian ristorante. I was outside on the corner of the alley where there were parked cars and vespas and other tiny ristorantes jammed into small spaces. The wall directly across from me had tables for two people and had graffiti as their backdrop. The elegant italian nature of the ristorante was made alive and even more beautiful with the graffiti, in fact, if it was just a plain wall it would have been plain and boring.

As I sat there drinking white wine and waiting for my meal I had feelings of guilt for taking up a table. I see people waiting and I feel bad for taking up their space. Being alones makes you realize the space you are taking up that others could be occupying and utilizing better. You become keenly aware of others looking at you, wondering what your story is and why you were here alone. I feel the eyes of pity and sometimes the eyes of anger glancing at me and my inefficient space taking and taking their table. Their..plural. Everyone else is here with someone. Am I challenging the norm by going out alone?

It made me think about how we are made for community. Eating is such a communal event, especially in Italy. The way people question my aloneness makes me wonder how we all internally expect to be with others and assume others will be too. We all deep down know or feel taht we should not be alone. The simple act of going out to eat alone pretty much solidifies that notion because typically there are no tables for 1 person and when you do go out alone, it feels out of balance..as i mentioned before.

Im not saying that being alone is bad, in fact, i believe we all need to be alone and in some ways, should be a part of our life that we enter into more. However, it is moments like this that remind me of how God created us- to in community with Him and with others.

Part of me feels bad but the other part..the smart part...truly loves this whole experience of learning to be alone, not lonely but just learning to be at peace with myself and my surroundings. And tonight my surroundings included eating outside on a warm night in Rome where the breeze started to pass by me which helped me forget the scorching day I had a few hours before..it was drinking white wine and being in a dimly lit alley way that had sounds of forks scraping plates and people talking in a variety of languages and people fanning themselves trying to take off the last heat of the day.

This is what it means to live...to see all of these things.

A welcome mat

2010-07-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

I decided to come to Prague due to everyone telling me how amazing it is. So, i found a cheap flight and came on a whim. Now, as all of you might know, I'm somewhat of a planner...in the sense that I like to know where the heck im going and what I might want to do. For spain italy and greece i have some guidebooks that have helped me understand quite a bit about the country and what to expect, but for Prague, i literally had nothing. All I had was a recommendation to stay at this hostel that is supposed to be amazing. So..i booked the hostel and came on my way.

I flew into Prague at 1230am and didnt get to my hostel until 230am. I was TIRED. When i walked into my hostel I realized it was HUGE. I've been staying at lil mom and pop hostels so far and my first impression was....holy crap this is huge and they are playing rap music a 230 am...strike one. I checked in and went to my 8 person mixed dorm. Ive been staying in mixed dorms the whole time and its actually been fine. everyone has been super respectful and easy going. Well it took me 30 minutes to find my bed because everyone was sleeping so i was using my little flashlight and then i had to get my stuff out of my pack .around 3am..im finally going to bed, on the top bunk..making tons of creaking noises every time i move. im exhausted and i can feel how heavy my eyelids are, and finally i start to drift asleep with all the noises of snoring and creaking movements of sleep.

At 5am I hear people yelling and as i wake up from my extreme sleep i too realize that the person under me is puking. literally puking out of his bed onto the floor underneath me. i didnt know what to do, so i just stayed in my bed and put my covers over me and plugged my ears. the sounds of someone throwing up and even the smell can make me want to throw up. So i knew that if i was around it at all I would possibly be joining the welcoming mat committee. I had to stay up in my bed and just cover myself. I plugged my ears and tried to fall back asleep.

Around 830am i wake up and slowly emerge from my cacoon state and find that it smells like alcohol....from someone throwing up. so..ya...i think this is an appropriate time for me to post on the "f my life" website. i get out of my bed making a ton of noise but honestly not caring because my ever so great bunk buddy was puking, so noise is really not my top priority.

So this is Prague. A wonderful welcoming. I had the weirdest feeling that morning..obviously. I didnt know what to do. I all of the sudden just felt so....out of place. I missed my small hostels where everyone just chilled and the owners were there hanging out and helping out. I hated how big this place this, and how much alcohol i smelled e veryone. Dorothy is not in kansas anymore and I am not in high school anymore. I've realized how much ive outgrown this lifestyle..thank the Lord , because I dont want to be in.

I went down into the lobby just unsure of what to do because LUCKILY i have 2 friends coming on Saturday and i knew once they got here life would be so much better but i didnt want them to have to be in that dorm room with me. I just kinda sat on the couch and there was this girl sitting there. I said hello and i asked what she was doing here in Prague and she was she was a missionary. Now..if you could see my soul at that moment, i believe it would have shouted for joy because it was such a comfort to meet someone who was on the same wavelength as i was. In that moment God brought me some peace in the midst of some craziness. I felt a little better.

a little while later i went to the front desk and they were so great and moved me to an all girls dorm. sorry boys but you are really gross compared to an all girls dorm. the moment i moved all my stuff into that room i felt so much better. i still feel uneasy about this hostel but at least ive found some peace.

the redemption of all this will be when nicole and catherine get here. They are two friends from labri and i cannot wait to see them and just hang out and talk about life..to have real conversations that dont involve "where are from", "let me tell you about all drinking ive done so far on my trip" and "lets see how long everynoe is traveling so we can all try and one up each other".

I hope your welcome mats in the future are much more beautiful and not as pungent of a smell.

stages of coming and going

2010-07-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

hola from espana. i am in madrid, and it is hot and i love it. granted i didnt love it when i was carrying a 40lb pack on my back BUT now that i dont have all that weight i feel much better!

i have mixed feelings about being in spain and starting my 30 day journey around southern europe. being at labri for almost 2 months really has put me in a different mind set than when i first started traveling. i really dont like leaving places. but ironically, i do it all the time. especially in the USA. we are so accostumed to leaving that the concept of staying i think scares a lot of people..me included. anyways, labri was a such a great space for me. i was able to explore questions and explore myself and be in community all at the same time. the idea of traveling alone does not sound appealing after being in a close contact with around 20 people everyday. i dont want to travel around and party and i really dont feel like moving that much at the moment either. im tired and i think somehwat in the process of working through being away from the UK and the family i had there. travelings appeal has lost its glory in someways. even as i sit here in my hostel the guy on the computer next me said "well its 4, its drinking time!" and to be honest..im just not there. i dont want that. so fingers crossed i will meet people who want more out of life than just drinking because that is not what i feel like doing.

however what i am excited about..is just being alone and being able to process the past 2 months. im excited to journal and read and relax. i am excited to go on walks, sit in parks, eat amazing food, and continue to do the challenges people have given me. i know that being alone will also be difficult BUT i feel like im on my own desert journey...like the israelites and Jesus. i´ve been in a place of exploring and learning about God and now i am literally going to wander and continue to grow and seek him. at times it scares me but other times, im excited to see what God will teach or show me too. So as i have left labri I am sad because im leaving a family, and a shelter that has allowed me to be me and who knows if i will see them again on this side of life BUT i am excited as well to put into practice ideas im thinking about it and continuing to be pushed by the Lord.

so 30 days of wandering....has started. as my tattoo says...new journeys with the Lord.

volleyball

2010-06-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

here at labri there is a lot of thinking. most days the group feels exhausted. its as if we have been running all day and honestly..we havent moved too much. day after day i find myself so tired. i go to bed at 10pm most days and wake up at about 730am. yes yes....im sure those of you that know me well are probably in shock because im going to be so early and actually getting over 8 hours of sleep. ive realized that my tiredness has nothing to do with outside movement but internal movement. i truly am tired from thinking. 3 hours a day im reading or listening to lectures. 1.5 hours a day im in a discussion with peers where one question is brought up and we discuss it the entire 1.5 hours. then at night, we have a lecture or we watch a movie and discuss. my faith has truly been expanded and i feel like my mind is filled with so much more..as if my brain had not been working for years and finally the gears are in motion.

just so you have a few ideas of some of the things we've been discussing and thinking about

- body and soul and how they are connected

- what is the heart?

- how can God be good if there is suffering

- what is beauty and its purpose

- what is shame and how do we live in our shame

- understanding idolatry today

- what it means to be human and how it shows there is a God

- what is heaven?

the list could go on and on.

within every question is more questions but ironically...even with the more questions i feel like my faith is beginning to have a real foundation. the more we discuss the more and more i believe Christianity is true and the only way....and im so encouraged and scared all at the same time:)

so how do i survive all this thinking? yup..you got it, volleyball. during tea time (yes..we have tea time..2x a day) we rally troops together and play and its probably one of my favorite things at labri. its amazing getting a bunch of people to gether to just play. we all think and question all day together but during volleyball...we get to laugh hysterically at our amazing skills (sarcasm there) and just play together. volleyball has been a lifesaver for me in so many ways. it reminds me that in life we must have play, we must be able to laugh and be silly and just enjoy one another in the moment.

too often during times friends are together we think about the other possibilities of things we could be doing instead of being completely present with the people we are with. i think i'll write more about the sacrament of being present later..but..the point is....volleyball reminds me to just be present and to have fun.

ive once again pushed back my dates and now ill be leaving labri at the end of june. so ya. thats my quick update! hope you are all well!

a ghost

2010-05-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

preface: i wrote this a few days ago and after you read this you will understand what im about to say. blogging has become yet another way for me to find others to affirm me, or fill a void that i have. my writing has become about me but in an unhealthy way. my time at labri is teaching me a lot and i think for the next month i just need to focus on that and not focus on what im going to write. so many days i think of things to write.things that might interest people or make them think....which..in and of itself is narcissism....what this post below is about. so i need to step away for a bit. i need to take the pressure off of myself...(that came from me essentially) and just be in my mess, in my thoughts, in my experience instead of trying to figure out how to write about it.

i have pushed back some things and will be staying at labri longer. i will staying until the end of june now. being here is where i need to be sooo im extending my time!

i will be blogging more but more than likely it wont be until the end of june.

please continue to pray for me tho! and feel free to email me thoughts if you have any or any prayer requests you may have!

you are loved!!

Ghost

No..not casper, although that would be sweetJ last week I listened to a lecture called narcissism: the modern view of self. This lecture was heavy for me and really made me think. Andrew fellows- one of the workers at labri was sharing his ideas on self and his perspectives on it and by the end of the lecture I couldn’t help but agree with him. Im going to try my best to put it into words but please note, this is me trying to explain a lecture i heard with also adding in my own thoughts. .....meaning...it might be confusing:)

Many times when I think of narcissism I think of my mars hill graduate student housemates and friends. So many people throw that word around when they are talking about their motives for a specific situation or about how self centered they are being. Andrews distinction is different. As human beings, from the fall, we are already selfish, but his argument is that we have taken it to another level. We are living in our heads so much that reality exists only in our heads and that there is no more reality outside of ourselves. We are so often trying to figure out who we are that we are using our immediate surroundings to mirror for us an image of who we are or who we want to be. So every interaction and reaction is directly about us. For example when we meet someone are we seeing them as an individual or are we tryin to get them to like us, to want them to be impressed by us, to admire us, to find us attractive, to want to be our friend. are we seeing traits in them that we appreciate about them that maybe we want to try as to have as well.

Due to consumerism there are so many ways to identify who we are- also called self representation. The clothes we wear, the car we drive, the type of coffee we drink, the food we buy (fair trade, organic), etc etc are all ways we are saying who we are or at least attempting to try on. Its as if we can try on a new self and if it gets old or doesn’t fit then we try on something else. Its as if we are constantly trying to figure out who we are in everything. Its ironic because we are around ourselves all the time, so you’d think we would understand ourself. We define and give meaning to everything around us, even to the universe that we don’t necessarily know much about- but when it comes to defining us, knowing ourself, we struggle. He read a quote from a book that said we have one way to help with pneumonia but we have 16 types of psychotherapy schools that all have different theories on how to help someone, how to work through problems, etc etc.

After we try on many types of self representations we have an emptiness in ourselves due to not feeling substantial enough because we are basing our representation on an image. We become a ghost. So then how do we feel real? Intense experiences makes us feel alive. Somethings will feel better than others and so we will continue to search for the most intense experiences which will make us feel human, feel complete. How many times have you heard someone say “I felt so alive doing {insert action}.” life becomes about feeling alive and then reality/our identity/our search for who we are is based solely on our feelings/emotions. If you feel something and it impacts you then it is real.

Instead of having an outside world separate from us, which is how God created us, we are only using the outside world as a looking glass and self understanding becomes everything. God created us to respond to the real, and now we are using the real to respond to us. Existentialism = what impacts us is real, so truth is in us and not outside of us.

I have started to think about this all week and started noticing my interactions with people and other’s interactions. When people take a picture the first thing they do is check the picture to make sure they look okay. It doesn’t matter about the rest of the scenery but the first thing to check is how they look..dont we know how we look? We look at ourselves all the time. The moment with those people and the whole reason for taking a picture turns into a) try and get a unique picture that defines you as different or that people will see and think good of you b) to see how good we looked (or how bad). when people tell a story, is the story really to benefit others or is it about looking like you are fun person, or some other aspect of who they are that they want to get across. Even in asking questions- are we asking so people see we are intellectual or that we have valid thoughts on something or is it truly a question? When we read the Bible….how often are we “tryin to get something out of it for our self for our immediate situation” instead of just learning about God and who He is not making it about us.

And then comes sex. “we live in an erotic culture that we feel the power from sexual urges and for a moment the ghost feels alive”- sex, becomes more about the self then about the other person. It becomes about pleasing ourself and our inner desires then about being with a person in the most intimate setting possible. sex has become about us and feeling alive. It isn’t a surprise then that there is so much sexual violence and addiction because if sex and pleasure and feeling alive are so intertwined then people will continue to do it again and again because they know it will feed what the “self” is looking for.

Moving beyond sex, we could talk about cutting. Many people are acting out in self harm because it is the only way they feel alive. For a moment you cease to feel like a ghost. The same could be said with drug use, alcohol, danger sports, and even film. All of these things make us feel a certain way, they produce a physical sensation that then helps us to define everything around us. 2 Timothy 3 talks about godlessness in the last days and in it, it says “people will be lovers of themselves…lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God”. Lovers of themselves….narcissism in a nut a shell.

if you are still reading this, well done. so where am i going with this? to be honest, im not sure. all i know is that i keep coming back to this reality that i myself try to define who i am through my experiences and everything comes back to me. the past 3 years i have essentially been searching for meaning in life and i kept coming back extremely empty. my work gave me nothing, i felt like i was trying to suck meaning from it but couldnt. so then i tried getting it from my small group and again, ended up feeling alone and empty. decided then to start going to counseling to talk about this emptiness and the chaos that kept coming back in my head. then i decided to quit my job and then travel for the summer and now here i am. realizing that ive been trying to figure out who i am from other places and ended up short every time. i think even in tryin to turn to the Lord ive made it about me..wanting to be filled versus just knowing the Lord and who he is and letting that just be my starting point. In every situation ive looked out into the world and tried to use it to define me.

Am I ghost trying to fill my life with intense experiences…you better believe it. but am I also an image bearer and in the likeness of God and capable of moving out this inner narcissism…..because of Christ, absolutely. Will it be easy…no way. Do I have a 12 step program, or even a to do list on where to go from here…no. Do I have a compassionate and grace filled creator who despite my constant selfish desires continues to love and forgive…..yes.

I have today, I have right now, I have prayer and I have God. I guess that’s all I know and all I should know when it comes to moving forward. I think im beginning to see this concept of prayering constantly J the beauty of even narcissism…of our distorted humanity is this- it points back to a creator who did not intend this to be normal. Our world, our view of ourselves is abnormal..because we are separated from God and one day…one day…it will all be redeemed. So even in this, it can point to God and his love and grace…which I gotta admit keeps me humble and keeps me focused.

My own personal Disney

2010-05-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve been at l’abri now for almost a week..5 days to be exact. the past 7 months when I’ve explained this place to people typically I get asked “what will you be studying there” and my response, for the most part, didn’t have much to it. i talked about wanting to spend time studying the bible and dialoguing with other students about their faith. Ya know..a pretty good answer and a true one. However one friend of mine, during our yearly lunch (yes.yearly…we try and meet once a year to catch up since we don’t live in the same state anymore)..anyways.. he asked me this question “well how have you been seeking god now?” [insert cricket noises] then he asks “how do you think leaving will help you seek god and how will you implement this change you hope to attain when you get back”…insert witty comment because im pretty sure I did.

Those questions really called me out. I know at first I felt defensive…who was he to ask or challenge my desire to “seek” god..but he was right. In the past 7 months I’ve talked about my trip to seek god I actually never really did any seeking leading up to it and no one else asked me if I was.

Enter labri. I thought I would be coming here to learn discipline and have time to study the bible by just reading through the old testament but it is actually something totally different, but completely needed. The past few years of my life I have gone to church, I have been in a small group, and been challenged to live my life in different ways. But can I honestly tell you that not once in the past three years have I asked any true questions of my faith and really sought out the answers?

The first day here I listened to a lecture about the importance of asking questions. Now it sounds simple and honestly reading the title I was skeptical I would actually gain any new thoughts from this exceedingly simple notion but let me tell you….that lecture kicked my butt. Let me explain why:

Ellis potter talks about how ignorant questions are the most honest/true questions and to not apologize for not knowing because you are being brave enough to ask is a step in and of itself. Ignorance…is probably the one thing I actually try and hide from people. There are so many things I don’t understand, whether its politics, history, or what futbol team plays for what country but do I ever let people know when im confused? Heck no. I feel so pressured to have all the answers, and to show any kind of weakness or lack of understanding is almost looked down upon. If I was going to ask someone to talk to me about the first world war because I honestly didn’t remember what happened specifically a person would probably answer “you’re kidding me right? You don’t remember?” those kind of comments are so humiliating and degrading if we really think about it. so now enter in a person who has grown up in the church her whole life but really doesn’t know the bible, theology, or really anything for that matter..and then enter in groups of people that look to this person to be a leader, or knew her in the capacity of being a leader….how much harder is it for me to really ask those deep questions that seem simple but to me…I don’t know..like..who is Deborah? What is apologetics? What does righteousness really mean? What book does 1 peter come after? What..when..how..etc etc. So hearing Ellis talk about the importance of being honest with our ignorance really hit home because it meant putting my pride aside and truly allowing a person to see me in my confusion.

So here I am, listening to this lecture about asking questions and I realize that I haven’t asked questions because of fear of looking dumb and then I also realized that I didn’t want to ask questions because I didn’t know the answers. Prime example- on the train down to greatham a kid was sitting across from me and we started talking about faith and god and in that conversation I think he asked me how I knew god was the true god…and what did I do..i gave a really quick answer and thanked god that the conductor guy came right then to get our tickets because I really didn’t have an answer. Ironically as he left he said he liked our conversation and I was trying to figure out if we really even had one. I was afraid to really try and answer his question because I myself had not really asked it. I had truly not thought about it enough to really try and figure out what my answer would be. At the end of the lecture ellis says “asking questions can be scary and you have to trust god to hold reality together”. The past few years ive avoided deep theological conversations because I was afraid of what the questions would do to my faith or what my answers would do to the person I was talking to. The beautiful thing about ellis’ comment..is that it is completely true..how big is our god that even in our questions we can trust him to, in the end, hold our reality together.

L’abri means the shelter….a shelter for people to come to and to truly be themselves and ask the honest questions and have a space to seek out the truth or to leave with even more questions to think about. I think that I have opened up pandora’s box..i feel alive and I feel like my brain hurts most of the day because I don’t think I’ve been using it the past few years. I shut off my thoughts when it came to faith for so long that now that its out of the dark I feel like a small child at Disney world. There are sooo many sights to be seen and so many things to experience, but the beautiful part for me is that I have the rest of my life to continue seeking God, seeking truth and asking questions and the end result..knowing the reality of God as true, as real, and really seeing and knowing how he is the Way, the Truth, and the Life through my humanity, through creation, through thought, through humility, through questions, and even through science.

So watch out all your philosophers, theologians, and spiritual folks, you got a pretty ignorant woman here who is ready to finally entertain some thoughts, ask some questions and probably ask you to define a lot of words.

dear london

2010-05-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

dear london,

meeting you at first was kinda overwhelming. tube stations everywhere, mass amounts of people walking around, not gonna lie..didnt know what to think of you. however as i started to figure out how to get around you, i became more and more at ease.

you are a beautiful city. full of history, of creativity, of parks, of people from all backgrounds.....you are something new to me.

see since we dont know eachother too well let me explain why this is all so new to me. i am from america, a country that is still relatively young. we dont have abbeys filled with coffins from kings and queens from hundreds and hundreds of years ago, we also dont have palaces, or a royal guard, or really anything similar. the concept of history, in my eyes, really only goes back a couple hundred years. i was never taught to really embrace the past. in school, we reviewed some things, but you could tell that no one really was embracing it or taking it to heart. but here...in london..you still have a queen. as i was sitting at your buckingham palace i could not get my brain to fully understand the loyalty the people had to such a figure. the idea that this queen is part of lineage of many kings and queens is something i have a very hard time grasping.

yes grasping...i think thats the word i struggle to use while im here. all of the buildings in zone 1 (downtownish) are older....you can see and feel the history in them, even if you have no idea what it is. it is as if im stepping back in time but also being pushed forward into the future...how is that possible? taking pictures really didn't do any justice so i just didnt. i just enjoyed your scenery.

i feel like you are a maze, every time i turn a corner you surprise me with something new, something different, or something totally out of my sphere. yes yes i know you are just a city, but you have caused me to step and see that there is a past, a history that we are all a part of in someway. that we are all connected...and this history this rich past full of life, death, and love is also a part of my past. it makes me want to explore who i am more and learn to embrace all parts of me and all parts of other people and their culture.

so thank you london. i look forward to seeing you again in a month. but seriously..can you please not be so expensive next time?:)

sincerely,

jada

For me to Live

2010-05-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

For me to live.

I decided a few months ago that since I'm traveling for 3 months by myself that I wanted a way to incorporate my community somehow, to find a way to take them with me.

The solution- a challenge a day written by my community. My friends and family wrote challenges for me to do for the next 90 days. Every day I wake up I will read a new challenge and have to do it that day. The challenges will help me during times I am missing my community and will help me to get out of my comfort zone. Some require me to visit specific places, others challenge me to think about certain things, and the list goes on. I am so excited to have this journal and challenges because so many of the people I love have written in it and i cant wait to connect with them when i get home and tell them about their challenge and how i completed it!

As I blog about my trip and my thoughts at times i will also write about some of the challenges I have done so you can enjoy them with me as well.

The book you see above is actually my journal and i love the title- for me to live.
I was thinking about those words last night...what does it take for me to live? Every day I wake up I think of 3 things- the Lord, my family, and my friends. Those are my staples. It's not my house, my possessions, my activities for the day, but those relationships and the love that exists between them.

For me to Live fits perfectly for my pilgrimage around Europe because this journal is my connection to my friends and family and the trip itself is my time with the Lord. To be by myself, to rely on him, to feel his love in a variety of ways, to be guided by Him, and to just Be.

I leave for England tomorrow and when I think about those words and what they mean to me...i have peace because i know I am loved, I know i am being prayed for, and i know that my life is such a gift from the Lord..to even be breathing is a gift. So as i sit here and think about the next 3 months i feel at peace and excited.

You are Loved! Until next time.

on being loved

2010-04-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

im gonna make a broad assumption here and assume that all of us want to be loved. to feel it deeply in our souls, from our head down on to our toes (yup that just rhymed..unintentional). its crazy how we may want something so much but when we get it, it feels so awkward. the past few weeks leading up to my departure i have had friends surround me and just shower me with love and support. i dont think words can express how much it has all meant to me.

last night a few people came over and prayed over me and my trip and i was just blown away by the whole experience. i realized that even though i do want/need love, when it is right up in my face i feel so damn awkward. i dont know how to receive it. i would much rather be the person praying or giving to someone else then having to receive.

when i receive love or help i am humbled because i realize that i am in need and in my mind need means being weak. and being weak in our society is highly frowned upon. thinking of the media, magazines and books, we are pushed to succeed in everyway possible. pushed to be strong and hold on to whatever we have and to never give up.
however the past 2 months of being homeless and actually physically needing a place to stay i have experienced so much joy and understanding that to need is not weak at all. needing is a chance for others to give, for others to love, ultimately for God to provide. even though i have felt so intrusive and awkward asking for help it has taught me so much about the power of community and that by having needs it can bring people together and in the end bring people back to the Lord because he is the one providing and He is the one who gets to receive all that praise!

im pretty sure im rambling but i just gotta emphasize how much the past 2 months have begun to open me up and help me to see the importance of not always having to be strong, of allowing others to carry me and love me and be there. All i can say is thank you to everyone who has let me sleep on their couch, bed, or spent time with me and encouraged me. through all of those moments I have seen God and his love for me and been able to see what "church" and "community" can and do look like.

as i leave Seattle today for my crazy journey ahead i cant help but feel at peace and ready because I know that i have people behind me supporting me and praying for me. God is present, and God has gone ahead of me for this trip and I cannot wait to grow and to be challenged and to see him in new and different ways.

you are all so loved. i hope and pray that God continues to shine his face upon you and open you up to new aspects of who He is!:)

until next time...!:)

chadash naca

2010-04-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

meaning new journeys in Hebrew. It is the tattoo that I have on my foot. Chadash means to be new/renewed and naca is the word used in the old testament the most explaining all the times the Israelites were moving to follow the Lord. it signifies the journey they took in finding "home".

Those two words- new journeys have two different meanings to me. the first being that literally at this moment i am going on a journey..quitting my job and traveling around europe only to return broke and without a job BUT no matter where i'm at in life, that God is with me, guiding my footsteps (hence the tat on the foot). The second meaning is just the reminder that no matter where im at in my faith...that God is there, still loving me and embracing me.

Today another journey begins. Today was my last day of work. Not gonna lie it all seems so surreal. I can't tell if i've processed it all or if i've processed nothing at all. do you ever think that your brain is a separate part of you?? well thats where im at.

can i just be the one to say that going away parties are awkward. what am i supposed to say and do during these? My coworkers are awesome and had a going away lunch and the whole time i felt like i needed to do something because it felt weird being the center of attention. now...obviously many of you know me and that i am outgoing and center of attention BUT i think i like attention on my OWN TERMS:) Not forced ones. We then had a second going away party for the clients to come and say goodbye...and yes for most of them it was more about the sugar we were giving away BUT nonetheless, it was still awkward but also amazing. for a brief moment I was able to get outside of my analytical head that was awkwarded (yup new word) out and able to see the clients that i've been working with for the past 3 years and truly feel so much love for them and vice versa.

At one of my contemplative moments one of my clients grabbed both of my hands and just said "you are precious." Those very words- you are precious...mean so much. I couldn't help but grab her hands and repeat the very same words back to her because she too was precious. as i sit and think about that moment, i cant help but feel the emotion in my chest...it meant so much. you are precious. you are precious. the word precious reminds me of the soul, of really seeing a person for who they really are. Looking past the parts of them that may annoy the hell out of you but to be able to get to the root of who they are..their soul. their pure, loving soul. you are precious.

so, as this chapter ends another begins.

chadash naca my precious friends.

recordings

2010-03-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

March 30th. Nothing significant is happening at this moment. All I know is that at this exact moment my heart cant help but pound quickly and hard. It's as if it is trying to tell me a secret that I am not able to translate or understand. I am so desperately wanting God to tell me what is next for me in my life. I want to know where I will be in August when i get back from europe, I want answers to the many questions I have about my future. I was randomly facebook stalking some friends and came across her blog and the portion i read hit me pretty hard-

The following is an excerpt from the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist

I don't want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day... The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab onto and extend to one another. The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting... Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you've been waiting for is happening all around you.

So many people have been asking me about my trip to Europe and all the details of where im traveling and telling me how excited they are for me and my trip. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for those words and excitement. However, my trip, my journey, my voygage, my life is right now. There is nothing to wait for because it is happening as I type these words out. I've been putting so much emphasis on this trip that I'm forgetting the power of right now, of embracing every moment and every little thing I'm doing today. As Shauna said I too dont want to wait anymore. I keep thinking that one day, one amazing day, a bolt of lightening will touch me and I will know what it is I am to do. When really, what if that day doesnt come? What if God is calling me to just live my life for him..nothing big included.

Maybe its our culture, or maybe its just me, but in the back of my mind im assuming that there is something out there is just waiting for me. Some sort of job that is perfect for me that I will kick ass in and KNOW it is for me. That i will be known in this profession. To be known..an interesting desire that I think we all have but maybe searching for that in all the wrong places. THe pressure of "calling" makes me weary of anything that isn't a big deal.

Why is big so important? Why do I have the desire to stand out? Why is this message replaying over and over in my mind? Maybe the life I've been expecting/waiting for really is right now and I'm missing because I assume there is something better out there.

The end of the essay and of my friend's blog says: You are more than dust and bones. You are spirit and power and image of God. And you have been given today.

I have been given today. I want that message replayed over and over again until it becomes every breath I take.

bereshit

2010-03-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

means beginning in hebrew. the word beginning has resonated with me for the past year. the idea that no matter where we are at in life, what we are doing, or who we are becoming...we can always start over. There is always a new beginning to be had. i've been thinking about beginnings in the aspect of faith and how the Lord is always there to start over with us, to take that first step over and over again.

however, beginning comes to mind yet again as i start my voyage into the unknown. March 3, 2010 i gave my resignation to my job where i've been for almost 3 years. the moment i told my boss i was leaving (in a month in a half..so not for awhile) i felt free and alive. its as if all of my plans were really going to happen. i've been talking about traveling to europe for years and the past 7 months i've talked alot about this trip and now..it is actually becoming a reality and i'm kinda freakin out.

i'm currently sitting in my room, that continues to become less and less as i get rid of furniture, clothes, and random items i find in my closet. its amazing how a empty room can cause a person to be suddenly contemplative about life. as i sat on my bed and looked at my white walls i couldnt help but think how an era has ended and yet another beginning has started. for the next 2 months i'm sleeping on couches and on floors in order to save money for my trip and honestly, im kinda excited for it. im excited to be sleeping over at my friends houses and just sharing life with them.

the closer my departure date comes the harder it is getting for me to leave this place. its ironic because for so long ive been ready to leave seattle and try something new and now, i dont know. i guess im hoping this trip will open my eyes to what it is God is doing in my life and moving me towards. at this point, i have no idea what im doing...i guess thats what a leap of faith is:) trusting God....definitely gonna be a battle with my controlling side but a battle worth the scars and injuries.

bereshit
another beginning
another foot step towards empty space
with hope and faith that it will be filled

both feet are on the ground.

until next time.